I frequently feel like everything I do is wrong no matter how hard I try to do the right thing. There are times I feel like the shy itself is collapsing around me. I wonder why some things seem so much worse at one time then they may at another. Lets take yesterday for example: I got up and set about wrapping Christmas presents. I bought 3 of my nephews the same radios. It was only after I had put the batteries inside the boxes and taped all the radios shut that I realized one of the instruction papers had fallen out of one of the boxes. I had to open all 3 of them before I found the one that was missing the instructions. I told my sister you know it will be a bad day when it is 11 am and you are already frustrated.
Less then an hour later I got the call I had been dreading my friend Marie had died. She will be missed. Then I tried to wash some close and put a few sweat shirts on handers on the bathroom only to have the tension rod I had them fall to the ground.
After supper I got ill I am not sure what caused it. but I was ill for several hours. When I got on line I saw my antivirus was not functioning and I ended up having a few words with the supplier, because I had received the conformation letter a few days ago saying it was paid for and active. While I was looking in my email for the conformation letter I found a few emails I had not opened and one of them shocked and upset me. I tried to see why this one had been made as it was and I was told it was a probably and joke and that I was one of a weeks worth of nitpickers.
I really feel like there is nothing I can do that will be right. Is it any wonder I am depressed. I worked all summer trying to help anyone that asked, and now I feel like people view me as an appendix, I may have had a use at one time but the only thing I am good for now is annoying people. It is a sad thing to feel like nothing you do is right and that all your efforts are not appreciated. Sometimes I ask myself why I am even here. The way the past couple weeks have went I wonder if anyone would even miss me if I was gone.
It does not help when I feel the cold winds of change blowing on my face, and at times it seems I am the only one that can feel them. It is like I am standing in the middle of a freezing wind with no coat to protect me.
I have been told many times by many people that I take everything too seriously, and I am not denying I do take things seriously. Things like commitment , honor, love, duty, compassion and love. You tell me though if EVERYTHING is a joke is not life itself a joke and pointless?