Mahjong Solitaire

you may need to stop at the women's restroom . . .
be prepared!



When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for
feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.



Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving
the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the
wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in
her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'



In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'



To ta ke your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you disco
ver to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your
thighs shake more.



You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one
that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you
have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would
have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller
than your thumbnail .



Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits
your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you
and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you
scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled
tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down
directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your
bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what
kind of diseases you could get.'



By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused
that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the
inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and
runs down your legs and into your shoes.. The flush somehow sucks everything
down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for
fear of being dragged in too.



At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in
your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.



You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past
the line of women still waiting.



You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very
end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED
it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell
her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'



As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left
the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your
purse hanging around your neck?'



This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to
be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the
restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your
purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!



This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!





A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
'el lapiz

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The male group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
 
1. No one but
their creator understands their internal logic;
 
2. The native
language they use to communicate with other
 computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest
mistakes are stored in long term memory for
 possible later retrieval;
and
 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself
 spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
 
The female group, however,
concluded that computers should be
 
Masculine ('el computador'),
because:
 
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;
 
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time
 they ARE the problem; and
 
4. As soon
as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
 waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 
 The female group
won.

An incident occurred in a supermarket recently, when the following was witnessed:

A Muslim woman dressed in a Burkha (A black gown & face mask) was standing with her shopping in a queue at the checkout.

When it was her turn to be served, and as she reached the cashier, she made a loud remark about the English Flag lapel pin, which the female cashier was wearing on her blouse.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin and said,

'Yes, I always wear it proudly. My son serves abroad with the forces and I wear it for him'.

The Muslim woman then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing and killing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

At that point, a Gentleman standing in the queue stepped forward, and interrupted with a calm and gentle voice, and said to the Iraqi woman:

'Excuse me, but hundreds of thousands of men and women, just like this ladies son have fought and sacrificed their lives so that people just like YOU can stand here, in England, which is MY country and allow you to blatantly accuse an innocent check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen'.

'It is my belief that if you were allowed to be as outspoken as that in Iraq, which you claim to be YOUR country, then we wouldn't need to be fighting there today'.

'However - now that you have learned how to speak out and criticise the English people who have afforded you the protection of MY country, I will gladly pay the cost of a ticket to help you pay your way back to Iraq '.

'When you get there, and if you manage to survive for being as outspoken as what you are here in England, then you should be able to help straighten out the mess which YOUR Iraqi countrymen have got you into in the first place, which appears to be the reason that you have come to MY country to avoid.'

 Apparently the queue cheered and applauded..........

MUM - JOB DESCRIPTION

If it had been presented this way, no one
would have done it!!!!

POSITION:

Mother, Mom, Mam, Mommy, Ma,
Mum, Mummy

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for
challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must
possess excellent communication and
organisational skills and be willing to
work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties
also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be
willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs £5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
must possess the physical stamina
of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying
wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to
be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly

and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and

battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for

the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the

end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial

work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &
PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years,without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those
in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually
exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get
this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is
left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no
health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life....

Wow what a Bloomin job ---------------------

Have a good day Ladies !!!!!!