FOUND  A  MAN  THAT CARES FOR ME, HAS A GENTLE SOUL 

       As I grow older I have been asking myself if living a long life is a good thing.   When I was young I was afraid of death as are many that live a troubled youth. I once wished to live to 100 years old, but after the events of yesterday I wonder if that would be a good thing or not.  I spoke to my older sister today. I had good news from our cousin and I wanted to share it with her.  He has a photo of out great grandfather and has agreed to give me a copy of it.   As I spoke to my sister I could hear her youngest daughter yelling at her about some candy papers she saw in the garbage can ( my sister is not in good health, and her youngest daughter has been taking care of her.  My niece tries to regulate everything my sister eats, and that is not a bad idea given my sister's health problems) so she kind of went off when she discovered her mom was eating candy. They were BOTH yelling at each other.  I told my sister to tell her daughter I wanted to talk to her (I thought I could calm her down) My niece has been really stressed out lately.  She is trying really hard to keep her mom alive and healthy as possible.  She is also trying to raise 2 daughters and she works a full time job.  My niece is doing everything she can, but I know first hand how hard it is to care for an elderly parent with health problems as i took care of my mom when she was dying of cancer.  Seeing all the stress and turmoil my sisters family is going through, I am wondering if my goal to be 100 is really a good idea.   My niece would not take the phone when I asked to speak to her.  What puzzled me was when her brother called me telling me that his sister had asked him to call me.   I said well what did she say to you.  (According to him) She had told him that my brother had told her husband that no one helps our sister, and my niece jumped to the conclusion that it was I who had made that claim.  I have never said anything like that to anyone ever.  In fact when I do mention to anyone about my niece I tell them what a good job she and her family do of taking care of her mother.  I told my nephew I got no clue where my brother got the idea no one helps our sister, but it was not from me, because I have never said that.   My nephew and I are wondering who is hearing one thing and then twisting it to what they thought the person saying it meant instead of hearing the real words, and taking them at face value.
     If living long puts this kind of stress and strain on a family, Is it worth it in the end?   Maybe that is why people do not live forever, because the aging process can tare up a family with stress.   Sometimes I wonder if they maybe had the right idea in the movie Logan's Run( live 30 years and die before you can get ill or be a burden on your children.   I knew a girl once who said live fast die young and leave a great looking corps. I wonder if maybe she had the right idea.   The interesting  thing about ageing and death is we are not the ones that know the date of our death only God knows that.
    

     The cardiologist said they will try 1 more tee and if I still have the clot he is giving up trying to do the ablation.  I have pushed the date back twice now for the tee test first because my brother was having an operation.  Second because I really do not want to be around hospitals at this time if I do not have to do it.  Third I really do not trust the doctor as much as I did when this all started, not because he has not cleared the clot, but because he tried to slip a pace maker in on me and I had never agreed to that.  It is kind of hard to trust a doctor who does not listen to you when you make a logical argument against something you do not need, and they try to do it anyhow.  I have seriously been thinking of getting a different doctor if the clot has in fact cleared when I get it checked the last time.  At this point I am thinking it has calcified, and I may be stuck with it forever.
     But the news is not all bad something has been blocking much of my anxiety.  I do not know if it is the meds I am on right now or if it is the meditation exercises I have been working on for months, but something is keeping me calm even when my heart rate rises a bit.  I actually feel better both mentally and physically then I have in years.  I have even lost a little weight.  My family and friends have noticed the weight loss.  It is not much only about 25 to 30 llbs, but it is a start :)   My regular cardiologist said if I lose weight it would help the afib, so here's hoping.

      On an unrelated subject  gandekeogh  I tried to reply to your private messages, but you apparently have incoming messages blocked, but I did get them and thank you.