CoyoteUK

 
joined: 2021-11-06
A howl a day keeps everyone at bay!
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A load of old Bull!

The older bull was walking the fields with a young bull at his side when they spotted a herd of cows .
The young bull said "Shall we run over there and mate with a couple?"
The older, wiser bull said "No, young bull, we will walk over there and mate with them all!"


A friend in need.....

Mike and Steve had done their research and were close to living their dream of seeing and filming the Great Silverback Gorillas which resided in the Viringa Mountains. These were a range of extinct volcanoes bordering Rwanda, Uganda and the Republic of Congo. Backed up by a grant from the University of Leeds they had arrived, accompanied by two local guides to their chosen location. They set out from camp at 6am, fully equipped in a jeep, provisions, cell phones, rifles and, of course, the all important filming gear. The local guides soon had them in the correct location....they could hear the mighty Gorilla's roaring in the early morning sun. They left the jeep and ascended the brush covered mountainside. They noticed, instantly ,that as they progressed that they lost all the signals on their cell phones. Undeterred, they moved on...Mike had his camera at the ready. Suddenly a huge Silverback reared up, seemingly out of nowhere. The two local guides fled immediately! It stood, magnificent, in the early morning sun and bellowed out in rage. Mike held his ground and started filming. Steve said "Mike, I think it's time to get out of here!"..Mike continued filming and the Gorilla struck! All Steve could see was blood and his hearing was drowned by the Gorilla's roars.He looked at his cell phone...no signal! Mike was in deep trouble. Steve ran back towards the jeep, panting for breath and looking at the phone...praying for a few bars to register on the screen. As he approached the jeep two bars flickered on the screen. "Thank God" he thought...and quickly dialled the emergency service.
A woman answered, "Which service do you require?"
Steve "It's my friend, I think that he's dead....Air Ambulance, Medics..I don't know!"
Operator: " Sir, I need to know the full extent of injuries, so that I can launch the requisite service, you think that your friend is dead?"
Steve:" I think so,yes"
Operator:"Please confirm"
Steve:" Wait one" and he grabbed a rifle from the back of the jeep and ran towards his friend...and the Silverback!
30 seconds later the Operator heard the sound of a single gunshot...then a breathless Steve came back on the line.
"Okay, he's definitely dead...Now What?"


A little zebra in Turin.

Actually, our tale starts in Blackpool,UK.
A horse walks ino a bar in Blackpool,orders a spring water and then surveys the bar.
He notices a zebra stood alone,so walks over to join him.
"Would you like some company?" asks our horse.
The little zebra almost faints with surprise...stood in front of him is none other than Black Brandy, the world renowned racehorse,winner of six Grand National's on the trot (Sorry!)
Black Brandy also happens to be the little zebras' all time hero!
They chat for a while,that is when the zebra can find his tongue...he really is overwhelmed.
Eventually Brandy asks him if he would like a quick tour of his stables.
"Oh I would be honoured" squeaked our zebra.
So, off they went,chatting as they trotted along.
Arriving at the stable complex the zebra was stunned at the opulence! Polished teak and oak everywhere, fresh hay and straw and spring water dispensers abounded. A huge plasma Tv screen featured on one wall, running endless loops of Brandies famous victories. Trophies and awards adorned every surface.
Our little zebra was in heaven!
Finally, after 45 minutes,Brandy said "I am sorry to cut this visit short, but I have some business people coming, how about I pop around to your place at, say, 11 tomorrow morning?"
The zebra,still on cloud 9 , agrees, and jots his address down. They bid each other farewell.
Then the panic sets in! All the way home he is thinking, how can I compare to that which I have just seen??
He gets home to his modest stable, looks around and feels glum :(. This is no way going to impress the greatest racehorse in history. His stable is,for sure,clean and well kept...but he goes to bed with a heavy heart.
Then, at 3 o'clock in the morning he has a plan!
By 7 o'clock he has gathered a camera and some black watercolour paint and a brush.
He runs along to a local park....nothing!
Then heads off to the next park...bliss! two young boys playing football!, he trots over to them and explains what he would like to do. They agree...then he is off again,running to a photographic studio nearby.
He enters, pays his money and waits.
Back home it is 11o'clock and there is a hoof knock on his door. Black Brandy stands there in all his glory and the zebra ushers him in to his humble stable. The tour doesn't last long, it being a very small abode, but Brandy makes appreciative noises and the zebra is pleased. But then Brandy nods toward the huge photograph that dominates one wall. It is a photo of our zebra, with a large #9 on his flank, and a white leather football between his two front feet.
"So, what is this my little friend?" says Brandy.
The little zebra replied "Oh, thats nothing ,just me when I played centre forward for Juventus!"
#As a footnote to all you none football fans..Juventus are famous for their black and white striped shirts.


A belated Christmas tale....

Look, I know it is February, and I really aimed to have this out at Christmas. But I have been really busy, what with blokes in grass houses and a hero trying to drain a lake....through someones bottom. Constant readers will get my drift.
So here is another one you will not get...If it raises a smile from one person my job is done..however I feel a lot of frowns coming on at the punchline, but never mind, here goes.
The setting is a Country House Hotel in Yorkshire.
The hotel has been the venue for the World Chess Championship ending today.
It is also Christmas Eve.
Simply put, the hotel is palatial, the epitome of luxury.
It's best feature is the glorious foyer, with three bars and furnishings of the finest order.
Now the Chess Championship has ended (a banquet and presenting of prizes is due at 8pm.)
But, because it is Christmas Eve, a lot of people have booked in for a huge celebration, a lot of feasting and drinking to be done.
Many people have booked to stay right through until the New Year.
However,the persons involved in the chess tournament are so excited to have achieved their aims that one or two are overly exuberant.
Denied alcohol for a week (Chess requires a sharp, unclouded brain) they tended to go...a little crazy.
They are soon at full volume,bragging and boasting about their achievments in the tournament.
All the usual chess phrases can be heard, En passant, En prise, Fionchetto, Double Attack!
Fools Mate raised a raucous bellowing of laughter!
But there was a fly in the ointment!
Guests arriving for their well deserved Xmas break were being denied access to all but one of the foyers' bars due to the garrulous nature of the chess players.
Words were exchanged.".We have paid good money to be here"..and "This is really not good enough" were just a few exchanges between the new guests and the beleagured staff.
So finally, the General Manager was summonsed (by a junior waitress out of her depth)
The Manager surveyed the scene..it was mayhem...the chess participants were behaving as if they owned the place and were more raucous by the minute!
The Manager decided on his course of action, he walked 5 steps up on the grand stairway that fed the foyer.
Surveying the guests below he bellowed "Ladies and Gentlemen!"
He did this three times!
Finally, subdued, the place settled into silence (apart from the odd hiccup & drunken murmuring)
He continued "We at the Excelsior hotel are honoured to have been the hosts for the World Chess Championship, it was our privilege to have seen the best of the world's players here this week."
"However,there are many people here tonight that have worked hard to pay for this evening, this Christmas Eve, it is special for them too" He continued:
"Personally, I cannot abide chess nuts boasting round an open foyer"

Sorry!


Lakeside Physics?

Saturday afternoon ,lakeside. People were enjoying the spring weather, boating and having family picnics. Suddenly a cry went out...a man was drowning near to the shore! Men were shouting, women were screaming, children were in panic. Our hero managed to drag the victim partway onto the shore. He proceeded to administer CPR...copious amounts of water came from the victims mouth. Our hero began to tire and turned to the gathered crowd.."Does anyone know anything about CPR?" A hush descended on the crowd, most of whom were filming events on their phones. Except for one small man in a black suit and bowler hat who volunteered "I don't know much about CPR, but I do know about Hydro-statics." Our hero gave the man a withering look and commenced with CPR...even more water was coming from the victims mouth...he was struggling. This continued for another minute, our hero was exhausted and dripping with sweat. Again he volunteered "Does anyone know anything about CPR...PLEASE!!" Once more the small guy said "I don't know much about CPR, but I do know about Hydro-statics"
"Ok our hero retorted, what is it with the Hydro-statics??"
The little man replied "I just know that if you don't get his arse out of the water, you are going to drain the lake dry"