jeffv62

 
joined: 2017-06-30
WHEN TWO HEARTS ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, NO DISTANCE IS TOO FAR, NO TIME IS TOO LONG, AND NO OTHER LOVE CAN BREAK THEM APART.
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Yatzy

Yatzy

Yatzy
7 hours ago

Be careful what you say

Well shit.. I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a stupid state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Trooper:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Trooper:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.


Donation Please

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the darn jar open.'


Happy Birthday

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a StripClub for his birthday...At The Club, TheDoorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"The wife asks, "How does he know you?Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual,Jim?"Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything,He's on the Darts Team."Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Cravethe Special Again??"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her &jumps into a taxi...The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! Youpicked up an ugly one this time...."Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!


Sharing is Caring

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn`t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks May I ask what is it you are waiting for? The old woman answers... THE TEETH.....


The Best Sandals ever

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"