Joined: 2014-09-06
Quality is better then Quanity.
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Is a long life a good thing?

       As I grow older I have been asking myself if living a long life is a good thing.   When I was young I was afraid of death as are many that live a troubled youth. I once wished to live to 100 years old, but after the events of yesterday I wonder if that would be a good thing or not.  I spoke to my older sister today. I had good news from our cousin and I wanted to share it with her.  He has a photo of out great grandfather and has agreed to give me a copy of it.   As I spoke to my sister I could hear her youngest daughter yelling at her about some candy papers she saw in the garbage can ( my sister is not in good health, and her youngest daughter has been taking care of her.  My niece tries to regulate everything my sister eats, and that is not a bad idea given my sister's health problems) so she kind of went off when she discovered her mom was eating candy. They were BOTH yelling at each other.  I told my sister to tell her daughter I wanted to talk to her (I thought I could calm her down) My niece has been really stressed out lately.  She is trying really hard to keep her mom alive and healthy as possible.  She is also trying to raise 2 daughters and she works a full time job.  My niece is doing everything she can, but I know first hand how hard it is to care for an elderly parent with health problems as i took care of my mom when she was dying of cancer.  Seeing all the stress and turmoil my sisters family is going through, I am wondering if my goal to be 100 is really a good idea.   My niece would not take the phone when I asked to speak to her.  What puzzled me was when her brother called me telling me that his sister had asked him to call me.   I said well what did she say to you.  (According to him) She had told him that my brother had told her husband that no one helps our sister, and my niece jumped to the conclusion that it was I who had made that claim.  I have never said anything like that to anyone ever.  In fact when I do mention to anyone about my niece I tell them what a good job she and her family do of taking care of her mother.  I told my nephew I got no clue where my brother got the idea no one helps our sister, but it was not from me, because I have never said that.   My nephew and I are wondering who is hearing one thing and then twisting it to what they thought the person saying it meant instead of hearing the real words, and taking them at face value.
     If living long puts this kind of stress and strain on a family, Is it worth it in the end?   Maybe that is why people do not live forever, because the aging process can tare up a family with stress.   Sometimes I wonder if they maybe had the right idea in the movie Logan's Run( live 30 years and die before you can get ill or be a burden on your children.   I knew a girl once who said live fast die young and leave a great looking corps. I wonder if maybe she had the right idea.   The interesting  thing about ageing and death is we are not the ones that know the date of our death only God knows that.

Never speak ill of the dead

     They say one should never speak ill of the dead.   I try to follow that always. Sometimes I find it hard to do though, if the dead was really not a nice person in real life.  Instead of speaking ill of someone not so nice who has died, I try to take into consideration the feelings of those that loved them.   I have a theory that even the most hated person on the planet has at least 1 person who loved them and would care that they were gone.  My heart goes out to that person.  Clearly they would have seen something in that hated person that died for them to morn the loss.   I find that no one is the same with everyone.   We all have different ways of behaving depending on who we are with.  I have seen some of the meanest people I know be so gentle with their children.   I believe everyone has a little good in them, that is why I try to never speak ill of someone that has done me wrong.  I think instead of those that loved that person and of how they will miss the person the died.  It is not fair to them one to bring up something their loved one did while they were alive that was not so nice.  Everyone wants to think of the ones they love as going to a better place when they pass on.   We all hope they are in heaven and that maybe some day we will see them there.  No one wants to think that maybe they will not be waiting for them there when it is our time to go.
     What do you do though with those bad feelings you are holding inside about someone who passed who was mean to you?   I knew a man one time who took advantage of his friend's daughter and when he died the girl was happy, because she knew he would not hurt any other little girls.  On the flip side of that was the man's wife a wonderful woman who was kind to everyone and who took her husband's  passing hard. She loved him very much, and missed him.  For her to have been told how evil her husband had been in his life would have crushed her needlessly.  The girl had never told her what her husband had did to her for that very reason, she did not want to hurt his wife.
     My best advice for anyone who is trying to keep bad feelings for someone who did them wrong when that person was alive is, instead of trying to keep them inside to bury them in the grave with the person that died, and never think of them again.   Let those feelings pass on with the person that caused them.

Sweet & Sour Visiters

     My brother and his wife stopped by to see me today. I was surprised when they brought me a Shamrock shake. I love those shakes.   I was showing them some pictures I had painted, and my brother started taking shots at them immediately.    I will admit I am not the best attest in the world, but if I were as bad as they say 2 different people would not have paid me to paint pictures for them.   One of the paintings was a light house, and the other was a horse. The horse took the longest,b because it had an odd shaped head.   I showed them a snap shot I had taken of that picture before I turned it over to the woman that had commissioned it.  My sister in law used to compete in horse shows, so she knows what horses look like, but even when I showed them the snap shots of the actual horse provided by the owner they still thought my picture was not a good one.
     It is all most like they could not stand to see me happy. They had to upset me before they left. My brother has been like that his whole life. I do not know why he gets like that any time I am happy. I do not know why he is like that I was never like that with him. When he got asked to join a world wide singing group when he was a kid I was happy for him, and when he got to go on a trip to Gettysburg I thought it was a good opportunity.   Why can he not just let me be happy sometimes?
     Don't get me wrong when I really need him he is there for me, but I give most of the credit for that to our mom.  That is how we were raised to look after family.   Now sometimes I feel like the only way he can fill big bout himself is by trying to make someone else feel small.   I thought I had this problem solved about 15 years ago when I gave him a taste of his own medicine, for years he did not pick at me till he made me cry like he used to now he is starting to do it again.  I asked him if when he goes to his grandsons games if he acts like that with them.   He said he did not , but I am not a kid.   I said nope but I have feelings like a kid would.   He does not seem to get EVERYONE has feelings and when someone you love says something mean to you EVEN IF THEY THINK IT IS FUNNY it still hurt.
   I was happy when they came to see me and brought me a shake that is the sweet of it.  I was sad and cried a little after they left because of the mean things they said that was the sour of it.

Not My Brand

     I have gotten quite a few add requests, and all though I appreciate the interest. After looking at the sites of the people that sent them I feel the need to point out 2 things.   The first thing is that the photos on this page ARE NOT ME.  They are of an actress that played Leila Kalomi on Star Trek in the 1960's.   The other thing I would like to point out all though I have nothing against it I feel love in any form is a good thing I myself am not into girls.   I have friends that are, but that is not my thing.  Like I told one of my friends one time why would I want someone who has the same parts as me, especially when mine are prob bigger.  Before any guys get  excited lol mine are bigger because I weigh more then I should lol.
     Oh and that one girl that wanted to add you know who you are your pic section was nothing but a bunch of selfies.  Yes you are pretty now enjoy it you may not have it when you get old, but you should look at other things in the world besides your own reflection.  You are very pretty yes, but there are so many other things in this world that are beautiful too, and you are missing them all looking at only your self and all those selfies you have up.



     I have a neighbor that I love like a daughter.   Her and her whole family are very good to me, and I appreciate everything they do for me. She is fun to be around most of the time,and I would do about anything I could for her, BUT she does one thing I would just want to smack some sense into her for doing.   A few years ago she quit smoking and last year she started it back up again.  She has copd and really should not be smoking at all, but she does not listen when I try to get her to stop again. 
     Recently things have become a problem for me.  The housing complex we both live in has put into place a no smoking inside the buildings rule.   As a result she has taken to smoking on her porches.   I do not have an air conditioner so I rely on fans to keep my house cool in the summer.  She knows I use window fans and  in fairness she has even offered to lend me an air conditioner. ( I told you they were good people. ), but I told her no .   I grew up in the mountains and I love fresh air when it is warm enough to have the windows open.  Here is my problem EVEN THOUGH SHE LIVES 3 DOORS AWAY some how the smoke from her smoking on her porch every dang morning is getting sucked into my house so strongly it wakes me at 8 30 every morning.  I wake up to the smell of smoke gathering in my lungs, and sinuses.  If she just smoked one cigarette I would probably not even notice it, but when she sets there on her porch in the morning she chain smokes that creates a lot more smoke, because it is right against the building it travels to my window and into my house.   I have never smoked myself and have banned smoking inside my house sense my mother died of it in 1989.   I think it sucks I have to have a house full of smoke every day and she does not because t all blows my way. 
     I have dropped hints ( hoping she would catch them) about the smoke being pulled into my house, but it does not work.  She is also bipolar, and I really do not want to set off her bad side.  I lost a good friend one time when I said something to her bipolar self and her bad side turned on me for it.  That was years ago.   I do not want to lose another friend that way.
   I do not know maybe I would not be as mads about this if I had not gotten a house full of smoke round 9 last night from her setting on her porch smoking and my fan dragging it into my house.   It is ironic is it not she says my house is too stuffy for her when I do not have the fans in the windows, but she is part of the reason I take them out when I do.   I just want to smack some sense into her.  Oh and in case you are wondering why I do not put the fan in the window on the other side of the house.  BEEN THERE DONE THAT.  On those days she ends up smoking on the other porch ,and same effect on the other side of my house.
     What do you do when you have someone who is such a really good person that has one fault that is driving you nuts?   She is under a lot of stress and I get that, but there are times I think she is using her stress as an excuse to smoke more.   Venting my frustration out here keeps me from saying something to some one I love that I will not be able to take back.  I just think she would have got the hint when I slammed my window down this morning that the smoke was coming in my house.n1.gif?v=122


     Let's start with something that goes on in my neighborhood and my family every day.   We all have friends or family who are so paranoid they think if someone just looks their general direction that person is staring at them.   I remember the day I was riding on a 4 lane road with a realities of mine and out of no where she says why is she staring at me.   I said who?   She said that woman in that other car.   I looked over to see what she was talking about only to discover that the passenger in the other car was watching the traffic crossing the road in front of both our car and theirs.   The only way she could see the on coming cars was to look over the front of our car, and because she had her head and eyes facing our car, my realities thought she was looking AT us.   I said to her she is not staring at us and if you were not looking at her you would not notice she was even looking our direction.    I live in a neighborhood that the homes are very tightly packed together, so you can not sit on your porch and look any direction besides up or down without looking in the direction of another house.   It is worse in the summer when everyone wants to sit on their porch.   I have neighbors that swear other neighbors are staring at them and talking about them when they look in their general direction.  Again I tell them if you are not looking at them you will not notice they are looking your way, so if it bugs you do not look that way.   What I will never understand is how they got that paranoid they think everyone is staring at them.   What are they doing that they worry if someone sees them doing it?
     Another thing I will never understand is why some people get all mad at other people without checking out the facts when the story is told to them by a third party.   A good example of that was the night I tried to call one of my friends and got her mom by mistake cause they traded phones( they used to do that a lot idk why).   The mom yelled at me for calling her thinking it was her daughter when I had a problem with the grandson.   Shortly later I got a call from the other daughter she was mad because I was going to tell the kids mother what he did, and she claimed he was not even at the scene of the crime.   She claimed he was with her up the street. ( She called me because of what ever her mom told her.)   The interesting part of this story came about 15 min later when the kids mom came knocking on my door.   At first I was not gonna answer it I had had enough , and that is what I told her through the door.   If she just came down to pick a fight to save it cause I had 2 already.   I was surprised when she said that was not why she was there, so I opened the door and let her in.   She told me her sister had lied to both me and their mother.   She said the grandson was not with the aunt, that he was exactly where I had said he was.   The grandmother was all too willing to believe the lie told to her by her daughter rather then the truth I told her.   I do not understand why people do not check things out BEFORE they get all irate.  Simply checking with the kids mother the grandmother would have found out her other daughter lied to her about where the grandson was and she would not have made herself look so foolish.
     Another thing I do not understand is why people assume things when they do not have all the facts.   I have several realities that  do that and it is annoying, because most often they are wrong.  The good thing is most of my friends are not like that they will come to me if they hear something but do not hear it all so they can get the rest of the story BEFORE they get mad. lol which is not to say they never got mad after they got all the facts, but at least they were mad about the real thing and not something they made up in their heads.   I will never understand why people assume instead of asking questions to those that know.
     As you can see I do not understand a lot of things.   Sometimes I feel like I come from a different planet from everyone else in my life.


     Here it is nearly 6 am in the morning and I can not sleep.  I have had something running through my head sense my brother brought me home from his house last night.   His only child has gotten a divorce from her husband, and it is not going well.  That is not the part that is keeping me awake.   My niece just turned 30 years old last month, and my brother told me something that happened when she was 16 that was a little shocking to me, but I think it broke my brother's heart.   I could tell by the tone of his voice when he told me about it he has not gotten past it yet, and that scares me.   I have seen first hand and even experienced it myself how much damage things said in anger can do to the future if they are not let go and moved on from.
     According to my brother he had made a call to his daughter and she was on the other line at the time.   He says she thought she had flicked over to the other line and it did not happen that he was still connected when he heard her tell WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS THE OTHER PERSON, that she wished my brother her dad would die.  It was an awful thing to say and I have no doubt she said it, because at that time in her life she was not the most mentally stable person in the world.   She had ran away from home a short time before this event.   I remember the timing because she would have gotten a car for her 16th birthday had she not ran away and her 16th was that next week.   What my brother fails to realize is she was a 16 year old kid at that time, and in her eyes he had separated her from the "MAN" she loved and I use the word man lightly, because all though this jerk was older then her he was no man in my mind.    The problem was he was her first lover, and anyone who knows how that is knows how much emotional power the guy can have over the girl.   I feel pretty sure that that was why she said what she did.   The problem is it was not the person on the other line that heard it it was my brother himself.   Hearing something like that out of your only child cuts into your heart and sole like a knife.  
     I am 100% sure she did not mean it and that it was less then a year after saying it that she changed her thoughts on it, but lets be realistic ALL teenagers at one time or another think their parents are ruining their lives, but when they grow into their adult brain most of them see  their parents did what was best for them at the time.   It is like I told my sister when she was having problems with her daughters. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO THAT WILL BE RIGHT IN THE MIND OF A TEENAGER, BUT IF YOU DO YOUR JOB RIGHT WHEN THEY GROW INTO THEIR ADULT MINDS THEY WILL BE THE KIND OF ADULTS YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.   And she has to admit now that I was right her children are all adults a parent can be proud of.
     The problem with my brother's daughter besides the fact they spoiled her her whole life is she like myself did not grow into our adult brains at the age the law says you are an adult.   I never grew into mine till I myself was 30 and my mom got ill.   I was her main home care giver.   My sisters did the hospital, and it took all 3 of us to wash her hair.   But when mom got ill I had to take on the roll of the parent and take as good of care of her as she did me when I was a baby and could not care for myself.   My niece who is now 30 is showing some signs of growing into her adult mind, but she is not there yet, and I fear she may not get there till she has pushed her father too far and he cuts ties with her.   I told him he does not want to totally cut ties she is the only child he will ever have it was at that point he told me she had said she wished he would die when she was 16.   It is odd is it now he was always telling me I had to let go of things our late brother did that hurt my feelings while I was growing up and he can not follow his own advice.   Fact of the matter is I did let go of some of the emotions but the memories remain.   Our late brother and I were making strides to being like we once were when he died I was getting my big brother back.   I am frightened if my little brother does cut his daughter off he may never let her back into his life and that would be a tragedy for them BOTH.
     I want despratly to help them.   To help him realize when she said it she was a hormonal teenager that thought she was in love with a real jerk, and that her dad was keeping them apart, and NEVER really meant that it was all just anger and venting.   I know what she told me just last week when she took me to the clinic.   She told me she did not know how she would make it without  her parents that they help her so much.   I told my brother she said that and his reply was you can say anything, but he is letting the pain of what she said when she was a kid blind him to her trying to grow into her adult brain now.   I want to much to help them, but I really do not see how at this time.   I do not want to make anything worse.   They are both very emotional people even though my brother would deny he is so anything I may say or do has to be well planned out.   I saw today all too clearly what is going on and I know what would fix it BUT I  do not know how to make them see what I see.
     There was something similar going on with my sister and one of her daughters many years ago.   It started when her daughter was about 6.   Something happened that upset my niece, and my sister let her think it was my sisters fault because she was protecting someone my niece loved very much.   My sister did not want her little girl to think bad of the other person who was also trying to protect her.   I always knew I was not to tell the kids the truth.   My sister never wanted them to know.   BUT with the passage of time and the fact my niece was not letting go of the event or getting over it the day came when the truth had to come into the light.   My niece had stopped at my house one day as the girls often did when they were mad at their mom, and she made the mistake of dragging that long dead event up over a decade after it happened.   We all knew my niece had much anger toward my sister but no one had realized why till that day.   When she brought it up I realized that was the source of her anger to her mom.   I said to my niece you done said the wrong thing to me today. She looked at me puzzled.   I told her I was going to tell her the truth about the event, and that when she got home she could ask her mother because her mom and I were going to have a fight about me telling her so soon as she left I would call her mom and tell her what I did.  I said by the time you get home she will know what I did and she will tell you the truth NOW. Took her a little while to process and totally understand what I was telling her and why the truth had been kept from the kids.   It took her another 2 weeks before she got up the courage to ask her mom about it.   Her mom confirmed what I told her was true and gave her a few more details I did not have.   It was like a magic bath the anger that she had felt to her mom for over a decade washed out of her and away for ever.   Nearly immediately she started being nicer to her mom.   It was like she was trying to make up for all the mean things she did to her all those years.   Now today my niece and her whole family take really good care of my sister :)  all that took was the truth to fix the problem.   I do not think the problem with my brother and his daughter will be as easy a fix.   They are both heard headed and think they are right most of the time. lol that is a family trait I have been told I am like that also.   If I could just make my brother understand when she did that she was acting in a child's mind and not an adults mind and she may not even remember saying it.   I noticed another problem at their house.  Apparently she can see in his eyes he is disappointment with her.   She thinks it is all based on the way her and her ex relate to each other.   I do not think that is all of it I think every time she disappoints him the past comes to his mind.   It is laying there just below the surface if it were not it would not have came up on the ride home from his house.   I know too well how that is when something long gone eats into your sole and comes back out when the person that hurt you hurts you again.



     Today I want to talk about jokes.   Jokes are meant to be funny.  Most bring laughter and joy to all those who hear it, but what i want to talk about  is when something that is meant as a joke to some becomes something else to someone else.   Most jokes are fast and over with in less then 5 min.   There is however a very fine line between what one sees as a joke and someone else may see as being picked on.   We have all been in school and either seen or been the child that was just a little different from others in our class, and of coarse the kids would see the differences and pick at the differences in others.   To keep the kid that is doing the picking from turning on them they will laugh at the "joke" , and sometimes even come up with remarks (jokes) on the center of the attention themselves.   Speaking of one of these kids who was picked on when I was a kid by people I wanted to be friends with I can tell you it sticks with you far beyond childhood.  
     One Christmas about a decade ago I finally had to put a stop to my own brother picking at me.   The way I did it was quite harsh and something I have never done before but I had to do it.   I knew I had to make him feel like he had made me feel for years.   I thought hard and came up with a crack about his hair loss that I knew would hurt him and I knew i had to do it.   Talking to him was not working I had tried for years to make him understand, and it had not worked   When I said what I had too say he said that kinda hurt my feelings.    Then to his surprise i said GOOD that is exactly what it was meant to do.   NOW you tell me how does it feel to have someone you love hurt your feelings and not care they did  it?, cause that is what you have done to me for years.   He said i was just teasing I said NO teasing is when  everyone is laughing not when some laugh and one cries.    I said you have no clue how many times I have cried myself to sleep over things you have said to me, and you did not care.   He finally thought about what I was saying and he said if I really made you feel like this I am sorry.   My brother does not say sorry often.   In fact that was the first time i had heard him say it sense we were kids and he mad mom mad.
     People do not realize even when we grow up we still have feelings and insecurities, and what may seem funny to you may really cut someone else deeper then a knife.   If I had my choice between getting cut with a knife or cut emotionally by someone I love I would rather have the knife wound.   In a few weeks the knife wound would heal the emotional wound never really goes away, and it can crop up in similar situations if someone says something  to remind you of the original event.
     The sad thing is even people in adult bodies will sometimes pick on others like kids on a playground.   They either do not realize or do not care they are hurting people that have done nothing to them.   I myself still get hurt and sometimes cry when people say mean things to me.  
     So you tell me when does teasing change to bullying? , and how do we get them to realize what they are doing and to care?


   What do you do when you do things you were told were right by your boss, and your coworkers tell you you are wrong?   What do you do when people who's opinion you trust think you are messing up, because they were given an inaccurate assessment of a situation?   What do you do when someone uses passive aggressive behavior  in an attempt to force you to do things their way even if their way is not the right way?   What do you do when you can feel the ground shaking in a bad way and there is no earthquakes?   What do you do when those you have counted on relied on and trusted are angry at you for trying to do things the best way you know how?   What do you do when someone says your whole world centers around one thing and it is really true, because you really have nothing else in your life that gives you any joy because of all the sadness that has been in your life for several years , except the thing you have placed in the center to keep your mind off the bad things?   What do you do when you look to a friend for support and help, and they give you a lecture about everything they THINK you are doing wrong when others think you are doing things right?   What do you do when you can not find any peace in your real life because of things you can not control like constant on going construction all day and night yards from your bedroom?  What do you do when you find yourself just sitting and crying for no reason that your conscious mind can pin point?   What do you do when you got a birthday coming up in 4 days and you are sure no one will remember it?, because everyone is so wrapped up in things going on in their own lives?   Some of my relatives are dealing with a death.   He will be burred tomorrow, after a long illness.   Some of my relatives are dealing with their own illnesses.   Some of them are dealing with my nephews cancer that has came back for the 4th time in the past decade.   I do not want people to think that I think my birthday is more important then the things I have listed.   I understand the bigger and worse things must take the center of peoples minds.   It is just sad for me when I turned 50 no one took notice .   I had no party no cake or ice cream and only a very few cards.   Now I will be turning 60 and I can see no one will take notice of this either.   I would be lying if I said I was not a tiny bit jealous, when my sister-in-law turned 60 they had a big catered party for her.   I never let anyone see how hurt I am when I am ignored on special days.   That is why I blog as a way of getting my feelings out without anyone in my family ever knowing.   I make a point of not having any of them on my friends list on this profile, because to be honest I feel a little embarrassed that I feel this way.   I should worry more about trying to help them through their problems then about  me not getting cake and ice cream on my birthday.    I have a niece who does get me a shamrock shake for my birthday she has been doing it for years  :)  , but I really doubt she will remember this year and I will totally understand if she forgets this year.   You see the death I mentioned the one that is being burred tomorrow  is her grandpa.   He is the only grandfather she ever knew my dad was dead long before she was born.   I know this is going to be hard on her and her mom.   Her grandpa was a really wonderful man.   He was a truck driver most of his life , and really handsome.   He loved my niece so much she was his first grand child.   Why when so many people I love are having such a hard time, Why am I dwelling on how sad I am?   I actually already know the answer to that one.   It is because I can control my actions like not letting them see I am upset so they can concentrate on what they must, but I can not control how I feel.   It is important to put the needs of those you love above your own especially when they are having such a hard time, but it is impossible to keep the emotions from coming.
     I am trying desperately to turn the negativity around into something positive.   I can not bring my sister-in-laws dad back so I have decided to try to paint her a picture of him.   I am not great with people so this will take some time, but if I am lucky I will have it done by Christmas.   By then maybe her pain will let up enough that she will be able to see why I painted it.


  I have been getting a lot of negative attention from a bunch of ehaters. They do not seem to like my blogs, which btw I did not invite them to read.   I decided to drop by their pages and see what kind of  things they out in their blogs.   I found it interesting to see only 1 of them had courage enough to put stuff out there on their own blogs but they have no problem giving me crap about mine/   I think until they themselves out there for others to judge , they should keep their opinions to themselves.     It is easy to sit back and pick things apart.

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