Here it is nearly 6 am in the morning and I can not sleep. I have had something running through my head sense my brother brought me home from his house last night. His only child has gotten a divorce from her husband, and it is not going well. That is not the part that is keeping me awake. My niece just turned 30 years old last month, and my brother told me something that happened when she was 16 that was a little shocking to me, but I think it broke my brother's heart. I could tell by the tone of his voice when he told me about it he has not gotten past it yet, and that scares me. I have seen first hand and even experienced it myself how much damage things said in anger can do to the future if they are not let go and moved on from.
According to my brother he had made a call to his daughter and she was on the other line at the time. He says she thought she had flicked over to the other line and it did not happen that he was still connected when he heard her tell WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS THE OTHER PERSON, that she wished my brother her dad would die. It was an awful thing to say and I have no doubt she said it, because at that time in her life she was not the most mentally stable person in the world. She had ran away from home a short time before this event. I remember the timing because she would have gotten a car for her 16th birthday had she not ran away and her 16th was that next week. What my brother fails to realize is she was a 16 year old kid at that time, and in her eyes he had separated her from the "MAN" she loved and I use the word man lightly, because all though this jerk was older then her he was no man in my mind. The problem was he was her first lover, and anyone who knows how that is knows how much emotional power the guy can have over the girl. I feel pretty sure that that was why she said what she did. The problem is it was not the person on the other line that heard it it was my brother himself. Hearing something like that out of your only child cuts into your heart and sole like a knife.
I am 100% sure she did not mean it and that it was less then a year after saying it that she changed her thoughts on it, but lets be realistic ALL teenagers at one time or another think their parents are ruining their lives, but when they grow into their adult brain most of them see their parents did what was best for them at the time. It is like I told my sister when she was having problems with her daughters. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO THAT WILL BE RIGHT IN THE MIND OF A TEENAGER, BUT IF YOU DO YOUR JOB RIGHT WHEN THEY GROW INTO THEIR ADULT MINDS THEY WILL BE THE KIND OF ADULTS YOU CAN BE PROUD OF. And she has to admit now that I was right her children are all adults a parent can be proud of.
The problem with my brother's daughter besides the fact they spoiled her her whole life is she like myself did not grow into our adult brains at the age the law says you are an adult. I never grew into mine till I myself was 30 and my mom got ill. I was her main home care giver. My sisters did the hospital, and it took all 3 of us to wash her hair. But when mom got ill I had to take on the roll of the parent and take as good of care of her as she did me when I was a baby and could not care for myself. My niece who is now 30 is showing some signs of growing into her adult mind, but she is not there yet, and I fear she may not get there till she has pushed her father too far and he cuts ties with her. I told him he does not want to totally cut ties she is the only child he will ever have it was at that point he told me she had said she wished he would die when she was 16. It is odd is it now he was always telling me I had to let go of things our late brother did that hurt my feelings while I was growing up and he can not follow his own advice. Fact of the matter is I did let go of some of the emotions but the memories remain. Our late brother and I were making strides to being like we once were when he died I was getting my big brother back. I am frightened if my little brother does cut his daughter off he may never let her back into his life and that would be a tragedy for them BOTH.
I want despratly to help them. To help him realize when she said it she was a hormonal teenager that thought she was in love with a real jerk, and that her dad was keeping them apart, and NEVER really meant that it was all just anger and venting. I know what she told me just last week when she took me to the clinic. She told me she did not know how she would make it without her parents that they help her so much. I told my brother she said that and his reply was you can say anything, but he is letting the pain of what she said when she was a kid blind him to her trying to grow into her adult brain now. I want to much to help them, but I really do not see how at this time. I do not want to make anything worse. They are both very emotional people even though my brother would deny he is so anything I may say or do has to be well planned out. I saw today all too clearly what is going on and I know what would fix it BUT I do not know how to make them see what I see.
There was something similar going on with my sister and one of her daughters many years ago. It started when her daughter was about 6. Something happened that upset my niece, and my sister let her think it was my sisters fault because she was protecting someone my niece loved very much. My sister did not want her little girl to think bad of the other person who was also trying to protect her. I always knew I was not to tell the kids the truth. My sister never wanted them to know. BUT with the passage of time and the fact my niece was not letting go of the event or getting over it the day came when the truth had to come into the light. My niece had stopped at my house one day as the girls often did when they were mad at their mom, and she made the mistake of dragging that long dead event up over a decade after it happened. We all knew my niece had much anger toward my sister but no one had realized why till that day. When she brought it up I realized that was the source of her anger to her mom. I said to my niece you done said the wrong thing to me today. She looked at me puzzled. I told her I was going to tell her the truth about the event, and that when she got home she could ask her mother because her mom and I were going to have a fight about me telling her so soon as she left I would call her mom and tell her what I did. I said by the time you get home she will know what I did and she will tell you the truth NOW. Took her a little while to process and totally understand what I was telling her and why the truth had been kept from the kids. It took her another 2 weeks before she got up the courage to ask her mom about it. Her mom confirmed what I told her was true and gave her a few more details I did not have. It was like a magic bath the anger that she had felt to her mom for over a decade washed out of her and away for ever. Nearly immediately she started being nicer to her mom. It was like she was trying to make up for all the mean things she did to her all those years. Now today my niece and her whole family take really good care of my sister :) all that took was the truth to fix the problem. I do not think the problem with my brother and his daughter will be as easy a fix. They are both heard headed and think they are right most of the time. lol that is a family trait I have been told I am like that also. If I could just make my brother understand when she did that she was acting in a child's mind and not an adults mind and she may not even remember saying it. I noticed another problem at their house. Apparently she can see in his eyes he is disappointment with her. She thinks it is all based on the way her and her ex relate to each other. I do not think that is all of it I think every time she disappoints him the past comes to his mind. It is laying there just below the surface if it were not it would not have came up on the ride home from his house. I know too well how that is when something long gone eats into your sole and comes back out when the person that hurt you hurts you again.
leilakalomi
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