joined: 2014-10-26
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Three little words

  I am setting here crying my eyes out instead of getting ready for the inspection coming up Monday, because of 3 little words hand written on a scrap of envelope.   I found it inside a larger envelope I was moving from the table near my desk to my bedroom.   The note is about 2 years old, and I had forgotten I even had it, and I am not 100% sure it is from who I think it is you see I know 9 people with that name and it could have either of 2 or them.   It made me think of someone who means very much to me, even though I am not sure she still care at all about me.   She was there at a time when I was really low and she lifted me up.   Then last year I was going threw a bunch of stuff in my personal life that left me in a really bad state of mind.   I had little control of my emotions at that time.   I had just found out my brother had cancer and I knew in my heart he was going to die, because it was in his lymph nodes.   I was so upset and angry It was not fair he had just has a heart attack the previous Nov. and cancer on top of that was not fair.  I was angry because my brother's family has had more then their share of headship.   
   Unfortunately for me my inability to control my anger at that time spilled out on those closest to me, and I hurt someone I care very much about.   She decided she did not want anything  more to do with me and deleted me from her friends list, and hung up on me when I tried to call her hoping to talk things through.   Another friend tried to help, but in my messed up state of mind I am afraid I only made it worse.n1.114.gif instead of trying to get her to forgive me I said all the wrong things.   I know what I said that caused her to delete me.   I am calmer now and see things more clearly, but when someone has hung up on you on the phone and deleted and blocked you on social media, HOW DO I FIX THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE?   So as a result of me not being a good friend at a time when I was an emotional mess, I lost someone special to me .   That is why I am setting here crying my eyes out  at the 3 little words on the bottom of this little note:  Love ya Pamala signed at the bottom of this ragged little note.   I just wish that was still true she means so much to me.   I miss the times we spent net surfing all over the place looking at things for our crafts, and I miss seeing the beautiful pictures she made.   She is very talented.   I know it is all my fault I no longer have her as a friend, and that hurts the most.   I sometimes do not control my emotions well when I am under stress, and unfortunately sometimes my friends get hurt.   Most of them understand when this happens and will accept my apologies, but you can not apologize when a wall goes up between you and the one you love.   All you can do is lament the loss and try to go on without them.
   I would like to make a post note to this.   Some say when a friendship is broken it can not be fixed.   I do  not agree.   Full trust can not be regained if it is lost but friendships can be rebuilt IF BOTH wish it so.  Thing is BOTH must want it to happen.   I have a friend in Canada.   She hurt me several years ago and I did not talk to her for 6 months.  I actually thought we would never be friends again.   Although I deleted her I never iggied her and one day she showed up in a game room I was in and told me she wanted the friendship back and was willing to do what ever it took.   She was as good as her word she did what I asked and our friendship is as strong as it ever was, but it was made so because we BOTH wanted it.
      I am afraid I will need to find a way to live with what I have done that cost me this friend, but that does not stop it from hurting.   It does not matter if you cut your own leg off or if someone else cuts it off for you the pain will be equal.  The same is true of emotional pain , it does not matter if it was self inflicted or done by someone else it still hurts.


     It is like the song says you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.   I have been holding my pain and emotions inside sense March and now in mid Aug. I think the time has come for me to fold my hand.   I had a fight with someone I thought was a wonderful friend in March.   I wrote her an apology, that was never acknowledged, I made a call to her house and was hung up on, I took down 2 blogs she objected to, and what did I get for all my efforts to keep the person I thought was my friend?   She put me on ignore.   I waited for months for her heart to soften and her to forgive me, but it is not happening she still has me on ignore and everyone knows there is no talking things through if the other person can not hear you.   I thought about sending her a thank you card for all the nice things she did for me before she started hating me, but i figured she would just threw it away unread.  
     I guess there is nothing left for me to do but give up the dream that we could fix the friendship, and move on without her.   It hurts a lot to even think of leaving her behind.   We were m,ore connected then anyone else I ever met, on a psychic level at least.   I learned a very long time ago no matter how much you love someone or miss them a broken friendship can not be mended by just one person.   Both people must want it for the friendship to heal, and clearly she does not as she has tossed me away like garbage.   I have cried for months every time I looked at one of the presents she sent me in the short time I knew her.   The loss hurts so much.   Another friend said I should box them up out of sight, but I just could not do it.   I kept hoping she would come back to me.  
    Lately my mood has shifted some.   I have began thinking maybe i read her all wrong, maybe she did not really care for me as much as I thought she did.  I have even began to wonder if I still want her back.   Would a real friend have left a friend in so much emotional pain for this long? or would they have forgiven their friend for being human.   Humans make mistakes !   We are none of us without flaws.   I think maybe for my own health maybe I should just fold my hand and give up on ever fixing this friendship.


   Have you ever noticed how peoples emotions color their thought processes.   Lets take a couple of my neighbors for example.  They used to be very close.   They were more like family then friends.   In a matter of weeks the friendship did not just fall apart it exploded.   I am not sure exactly what caused it, but I do know the start of the fight came after one of them posted something on Facebook.   I am not sure what was posted but the second person took it personally (as people sometimes do when someone says something too true for them to deal with).   I also know no names were mentioned in the post, but the second one took it to be aimed at her.   Well one thing lead to another and now the 2 women do not even talk, but that is not the worst of it.   One of them is always saying mean things about the other one and trying to get her in trouble over the stupidest things.   She makes her sound like the worst mother on the face of the planet, but I just saw something out my window that makes me wonder.   I was the woman that made the first posting spraying her baby girl with a garden hose and the little girl was giggling so cutely.   Makes you wonder doesn't it,  if she is such a bad mother why would she take her time to bring so much joy to her children?   I think the second woman's anger has colored how she sees things. 
     I have said for years Facebook is not a good thing when people take what they read there too seriously.   Sometimes when people write something down it is just venting off anger ad nothing more.   If people would learn to see it for just that and not take it personally there would be less fights over things posted there.   I think also people should not read things into stuff that was not there in the first place.  Like I said the first post did not say anyone's name in it, but the second woman assumed it was about her and posted stuff about the other woman on her Facebook.   My mom always said if the shoe fits ware it and if it pinches holler, so I am thinking that shoe must have pinched a lot.
     My advice to everyone is do not allow your emotions to color your vision.   Funny thing about the mind it will often see or hear one thing then try to translate it for the person seeing or hearing it.   Funny thing is it does not always relay the words that were first used.   Sometimes it relays what the hearer THOUGHT the other person meant. That is the first color seeping in to the mind the foggy grey that makes things not so clear.   Once they have changed the words that were heard usually comes either the yellow of confusion or the bright red of anger.   That will occasionally be followed by the blue of depression and the muddy brown of despair.   I just wish people would learn to see things as they are not as they think they are.


     Here is a question for you is it reasonable or unreasonable to undo something you did for the sole reason of getting a favorable result, but instead the result was more unfavorable?    If one enters into and agreement where by both parties are supposed to give a little to make a compromise all can live with, and one party keeps up their end of the deal, but the other does not, is it reasonable or unreasonable for the party that gave to take back what they put forth?      Or should they just leave it as it is and walk away from the whole idea with the knowledge of dta?     The only thing I am certain of is a compromise may only be achieved if both parties are willing to give a little so no one walks away with everything.   Having given 3 things and gotten nothing in return I think perhaps I should cut my losses and write it off as a bad deal.   I do not think it would be good business to add a new paint job, and carpeting to a building that is detain to fall down because of a crumbling foundation.

Personality Change

     Have you ever know someone who was so supper nice most of the time you knew them and then suddenly their personality starts to change for no reason that you can see?   This is what is going on with my brother-in-law, and it is really starting to make me irate.   Every time I call to talk to my sister which is not that often anymore he is always yelling things in the back ground about me calling.  Come on dude she was my sister before she was your wife and I do not appreciate you  trying to keep us apart.   My sister and I used to do all kinds of things together.   We would go to the movies, she would come over and visit, she would come over for me to give her back rubs when her back was hurting, both she and her husband would stop to see me on Christmas day.  It is literally to the point the only time I get to see her anymore is when there is a death in the family and they take me to the funeral home or when they take me to a doctor appointment.   It appears now he is trying to even stop me from seeing her them, OK I can maybe deal with that, but not being able to talk to her on the phone is unacceptable.   
     We lost one of our siblings  a short time ago, which made the ones that are left all the more precious  to me, and I resent someone trying to take away any time I can spend with them.     Then I found out tonight my niece has ovarian cysts, and no one told me that.   Tonight I am in a level 8 depression and I am not sure how I will pull myself out of it.   My first instinct is to go eat enough carbs to put myself into a sugar coma at least then I would be able to sleep, but I know that is not the answer.   The problems would still be there when I woke up, so I set here typing my heart out to strangers.  I have learned the hard way self destructive behavior like eating a bunch of sweets when you are depressed only leads to a deeper depression in the morning when you wake up and see how high your blood sugar level is, and the problem that caused the binge is still very much there.
     What I am thinking is the next time my brother-in-law starts throwing that F word around maybe I will throw it around some too.  Next time he makes a remark in the background about my sister still being on the F***ing call.    I will tell my sister to tell him to mind his own F***ing business cause I am not done talking to my F***ing sister.   Wonder if that will shock her into seeing there is something wrong with her husband.   My dad never allowed that F word around us and I can not believe she allows him to use it like he has lately.   Fact is this is NOT the personality he has represented to us for the 47 years they have been married.   This side just came out a couple years ago.   That was the first time I heard him use that F word and it shocked me then.   If I do what I am thinking about doing I may lose them both forever, but with it like it is now it is nearly the same as not really having them.   We can not bring our brother that died back, but we should not lose the ones still here before their time.
     I have been thinking a lot about dying in the past year, and now I understand what John Walton meant when he told one of his sons time has a way of taking care if it when his son asked him about being afraid of dying.   I used to be scared to death of dying, but lately I am not so much.   Used to be blind terror would run through me at the thought, but now it hardly raises a shiver.  I guess my personality is changing too.  
     Want to know something weird usually a day like today would have had me stress eating sense it happened but for some reason I do not really want any food.   Odd right?