Let's start with something that goes on in my neighborhood and my family every day. We all have friends or family who are so paranoid they think if someone just looks their general direction that person is staring at them. I remember the day I was riding on a 4 lane road with a realities of mine and out of no where she says why is she staring at me. I said who? She said that woman in that other car. I looked over to see what she was talking about only to discover that the passenger in the other car was watching the traffic crossing the road in front of both our car and theirs. The only way she could see the on coming cars was to look over the front of our car, and because she had her head and eyes facing our car, my realities thought she was looking AT us. I said to her she is not staring at us and if you were not looking at her you would not notice she was even looking our direction. I live in a neighborhood that the homes are very tightly packed together, so you can not sit on your porch and look any direction besides up or down without looking in the direction of another house. It is worse in the summer when everyone wants to sit on their porch. I have neighbors that swear other neighbors are staring at them and talking about them when they look in their general direction. Again I tell them if you are not looking at them you will not notice they are looking your way, so if it bugs you do not look that way. What I will never understand is how they got that paranoid they think everyone is staring at them. What are they doing that they worry if someone sees them doing it?
Another thing I will never understand is why some people get all mad at other people without checking out the facts when the story is told to them by a third party. A good example of that was the night I tried to call one of my friends and got her mom by mistake cause they traded phones( they used to do that a lot idk why). The mom yelled at me for calling her thinking it was her daughter when I had a problem with the grandson. Shortly later I got a call from the other daughter she was mad because I was going to tell the kids mother what he did, and she claimed he was not even at the scene of the crime. She claimed he was with her up the street. ( She called me because of what ever her mom told her.) The interesting part of this story came about 15 min later when the kids mom came knocking on my door. At first I was not gonna answer it I had had enough , and that is what I told her through the door. If she just came down to pick a fight to save it cause I had 2 already. I was surprised when she said that was not why she was there, so I opened the door and let her in. She told me her sister had lied to both me and their mother. She said the grandson was not with the aunt, that he was exactly where I had said he was. The grandmother was all too willing to believe the lie told to her by her daughter rather then the truth I told her. I do not understand why people do not check things out BEFORE they get all irate. Simply checking with the kids mother the grandmother would have found out her other daughter lied to her about where the grandson was and she would not have made herself look so foolish.
Another thing I do not understand is why people assume things when they do not have all the facts. I have several realities that do that and it is annoying, because most often they are wrong. The good thing is most of my friends are not like that they will come to me if they hear something but do not hear it all so they can get the rest of the story BEFORE they get mad. lol which is not to say they never got mad after they got all the facts, but at least they were mad about the real thing and not something they made up in their heads. I will never understand why people assume instead of asking questions to those that know.
As you can see I do not understand a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like I come from a different planet from everyone else in my life.
Here it is nearly 6 am in the morning and I can not sleep. I have had something running through my head sense my brother brought me home from his house last night. His only child has gotten a divorce from her husband, and it is not going well. That is not the part that is keeping me awake. My niece just turned 30 years old last month, and my brother told me something that happened when she was 16 that was a little shocking to me, but I think it broke my brother's heart. I could tell by the tone of his voice when he told me about it he has not gotten past it yet, and that scares me. I have seen first hand and even experienced it myself how much damage things said in anger can do to the future if they are not let go and moved on from.
According to my brother he had made a call to his daughter and she was on the other line at the time. He says she thought she had flicked over to the other line and it did not happen that he was still connected when he heard her tell WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS THE OTHER PERSON, that she wished my brother her dad would die. It was an awful thing to say and I have no doubt she said it, because at that time in her life she was not the most mentally stable person in the world. She had ran away from home a short time before this event. I remember the timing because she would have gotten a car for her 16th birthday had she not ran away and her 16th was that next week. What my brother fails to realize is she was a 16 year old kid at that time, and in her eyes he had separated her from the "MAN" she loved and I use the word man lightly, because all though this jerk was older then her he was no man in my mind. The problem was he was her first lover, and anyone who knows how that is knows how much emotional power the guy can have over the girl. I feel pretty sure that that was why she said what she did. The problem is it was not the person on the other line that heard it it was my brother himself. Hearing something like that out of your only child cuts into your heart and sole like a knife.
I am 100% sure she did not mean it and that it was less then a year after saying it that she changed her thoughts on it, but lets be realistic ALL teenagers at one time or another think their parents are ruining their lives, but when they grow into their adult brain most of them see their parents did what was best for them at the time. It is like I told my sister when she was having problems with her daughters. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO THAT WILL BE RIGHT IN THE MIND OF A TEENAGER, BUT IF YOU DO YOUR JOB RIGHT WHEN THEY GROW INTO THEIR ADULT MINDS THEY WILL BE THE KIND OF ADULTS YOU CAN BE PROUD OF. And she has to admit now that I was right her children are all adults a parent can be proud of.
The problem with my brother's daughter besides the fact they spoiled her her whole life is she like myself did not grow into our adult brains at the age the law says you are an adult. I never grew into mine till I myself was 30 and my mom got ill. I was her main home care giver. My sisters did the hospital, and it took all 3 of us to wash her hair. But when mom got ill I had to take on the roll of the parent and take as good of care of her as she did me when I was a baby and could not care for myself. My niece who is now 30 is showing some signs of growing into her adult mind, but she is not there yet, and I fear she may not get there till she has pushed her father too far and he cuts ties with her. I told him he does not want to totally cut ties she is the only child he will ever have it was at that point he told me she had said she wished he would die when she was 16. It is odd is it now he was always telling me I had to let go of things our late brother did that hurt my feelings while I was growing up and he can not follow his own advice. Fact of the matter is I did let go of some of the emotions but the memories remain. Our late brother and I were making strides to being like we once were when he died I was getting my big brother back. I am frightened if my little brother does cut his daughter off he may never let her back into his life and that would be a tragedy for them BOTH.
I want despratly to help them. To help him realize when she said it she was a hormonal teenager that thought she was in love with a real jerk, and that her dad was keeping them apart, and NEVER really meant that it was all just anger and venting. I know what she told me just last week when she took me to the clinic. She told me she did not know how she would make it without her parents that they help her so much. I told my brother she said that and his reply was you can say anything, but he is letting the pain of what she said when she was a kid blind him to her trying to grow into her adult brain now. I want to much to help them, but I really do not see how at this time. I do not want to make anything worse. They are both very emotional people even though my brother would deny he is so anything I may say or do has to be well planned out. I saw today all too clearly what is going on and I know what would fix it BUT I do not know how to make them see what I see.
There was something similar going on with my sister and one of her daughters many years ago. It started when her daughter was about 6. Something happened that upset my niece, and my sister let her think it was my sisters fault because she was protecting someone my niece loved very much. My sister did not want her little girl to think bad of the other person who was also trying to protect her. I always knew I was not to tell the kids the truth. My sister never wanted them to know. BUT with the passage of time and the fact my niece was not letting go of the event or getting over it the day came when the truth had to come into the light. My niece had stopped at my house one day as the girls often did when they were mad at their mom, and she made the mistake of dragging that long dead event up over a decade after it happened. We all knew my niece had much anger toward my sister but no one had realized why till that day. When she brought it up I realized that was the source of her anger to her mom. I said to my niece you done said the wrong thing to me today. She looked at me puzzled. I told her I was going to tell her the truth about the event, and that when she got home she could ask her mother because her mom and I were going to have a fight about me telling her so soon as she left I would call her mom and tell her what I did. I said by the time you get home she will know what I did and she will tell you the truth NOW. Took her a little while to process and totally understand what I was telling her and why the truth had been kept from the kids. It took her another 2 weeks before she got up the courage to ask her mom about it. Her mom confirmed what I told her was true and gave her a few more details I did not have. It was like a magic bath the anger that she had felt to her mom for over a decade washed out of her and away for ever. Nearly immediately she started being nicer to her mom. It was like she was trying to make up for all the mean things she did to her all those years. Now today my niece and her whole family take really good care of my sister :) all that took was the truth to fix the problem. I do not think the problem with my brother and his daughter will be as easy a fix. They are both heard headed and think they are right most of the time. lol that is a family trait I have been told I am like that also. If I could just make my brother understand when she did that she was acting in a child's mind and not an adults mind and she may not even remember saying it. I noticed another problem at their house. Apparently she can see in his eyes he is disappointment with her. She thinks it is all based on the way her and her ex relate to each other. I do not think that is all of it I think every time she disappoints him the past comes to his mind. It is laying there just below the surface if it were not it would not have came up on the ride home from his house. I know too well how that is when something long gone eats into your sole and comes back out when the person that hurt you hurts you again.
Today I want to talk about jokes. Jokes are meant to be funny.
Most bring laughter and joy to all those who hear it, but what i want to
talk about is when something that is meant as a joke to some becomes
something else to someone else. Most jokes are fast and over with in
less then 5 min. There is however a very fine line between what one
sees as a joke and someone else may see as being picked on. We have
all been in school and either seen or been the child that was just a
little different from others in our class, and of coarse the kids would
see the differences and pick at the differences in others. To keep the
kid that is doing the picking from turning on them they will laugh at
the "joke" , and sometimes even come up with remarks (jokes) on the
center of the attention themselves. Speaking of one of these kids who
was picked on when I was a kid by people I wanted to be friends with I
can tell you it sticks with you far beyond childhood.
Christmas about a decade ago I finally had to put a stop to my own
brother picking at me. The way I did it was quite harsh and something I
have never done before but I had to do it. I knew I had to make him
feel like he had made me feel for years. I thought hard and came up
with a crack about his hair loss that I knew would hurt him and I knew i
had to do it. Talking to him was not working I had tried for years to
make him understand, and it had not worked When I said what I had too
say he said that kinda hurt my feelings. Then to his surprise i said
GOOD that is exactly what it was meant to do. NOW you tell me how
does it feel to have someone you love hurt your feelings and not care
they did it?, cause that is what you have done to me for years. He
said i was just teasing I said NO teasing is when everyone is laughing
not when some laugh and one cries. I said you have no clue how many
times I have cried myself to sleep over things you have said to me, and
you did not care. He finally thought about what I was saying and he
said if I really made you feel like this I am sorry. My brother does
not say sorry often. In fact that was the first time i had heard him
say it sense we were kids and he mad mom mad.
People do not
realize even when we grow up we still have feelings and insecurities,
and what may seem funny to you may really cut someone else deeper then a
knife. If I had my choice between getting cut with a knife or cut
emotionally by someone I love I would rather have the knife wound. In a
few weeks the knife wound would heal the emotional wound never really
goes away, and it can crop up in similar situations if someone says
something to remind you of the original event.
The sad thing is
even people in adult bodies will sometimes pick on others like kids on a
playground. They either do not realize or do not care they are
hurting people that have done nothing to them. I myself still get hurt
and sometimes cry when people say mean things to me.
So you tell me when does teasing change to bullying? , and how do we get them to realize what they are doing and to care?
What do you do when you do things you were told were right by your
boss, and your coworkers tell you you are wrong? What do you do when
people who's opinion you trust think you are messing up, because they
were given an inaccurate assessment of a situation? What do you do
when someone uses passive aggressive behavior in an attempt to force
you to do things their way even if their way is not the right way?
What do you do when you can feel the ground shaking in a bad way and
there is no earthquakes? What do you do when those you have counted on
relied on and trusted are angry at you for trying to do things the best
way you know how? What do you do when someone says your whole world
centers around one thing and it is really true, because you really have
nothing else in your life that gives you any joy because of all the
sadness that has been in your life for several years , except the thing
you have placed in the center to keep your mind off the bad things?
What do you do when you look to a friend for support and help, and they
give you a lecture about everything they THINK you are doing wrong when
others think you are doing things right? What do you do when you can
not find any peace in your real life because of things you can not
control like constant on going construction all day and night yards from
your bedroom? What do you do when you find yourself just sitting and
crying for no reason that your conscious mind can pin point? What do
you do when you got a birthday coming up in 4 days and you are sure no
one will remember it?, because everyone is so wrapped up in things going
on in their own lives? Some of my relatives are dealing with a
death. He will be burred tomorrow, after a long illness. Some of my
relatives are dealing with their own illnesses. Some of them are
dealing with my nephews cancer that has came back for the 4th time in
the past decade. I do not want people to think that I think my
birthday is more important then the things I have listed. I understand
the bigger and worse things must take the center of peoples minds. It
is just sad for me when I turned 50 no one took notice . I had no
party no cake or ice cream and only a very few cards. Now I will be
turning 60 and I can see no one will take notice of this either. I
would be lying if I said I was not a tiny bit jealous, when my
sister-in-law turned 60 they had a big catered party for her. I never
let anyone see how hurt I am when I am ignored on special days. That
is why I blog as a way of getting my feelings out without anyone in my
family ever knowing. I make a point of not having any of them on my
friends list on this profile, because to be honest I feel a little
embarrassed that I feel this way. I should worry more about trying to
help them through their problems then about me not getting cake and ice
cream on my birthday. I have a niece who does get me a shamrock
shake for my birthday she has been doing it for years :) , but I
really doubt she will remember this year and I will totally understand
if she forgets this year. You see the death I mentioned the one that
is being burred tomorrow is her grandpa. He is the only grandfather
she ever knew my dad was dead long before she was born. I know this is
going to be hard on her and her mom. Her grandpa was a really
wonderful man. He was a truck driver most of his life , and really
handsome. He loved my niece so much she was his first grand child.
Why when so many people I love are having such a hard time, Why am I
dwelling on how sad I am? I actually already know the answer to that
one. It is because I can control my actions like not letting them see I
am upset so they can concentrate on what they must, but I can not
control how I feel. It is important to put the needs of those you love
above your own especially when they are having such a hard time, but it
is impossible to keep the emotions from coming.
I am trying
desperately to turn the negativity around into something positive. I
can not bring my sister-in-laws dad back so I have decided to try to
paint her a picture of him. I am not great with people so this will
take some time, but if I am lucky I will have it done by Christmas. By
then maybe her pain will let up enough that she will be able to see why
I painted it.
I have been getting a lot of negative attention from a bunch of ehaters. They do not seem to like my blogs, which btw I did not invite them to read. I decided to drop by their pages and see what kind of things they out in their blogs. I found it interesting to see only 1 of them had courage enough to put stuff out there on their own blogs but they have no problem giving me crap about mine/ I think until they themselves out there for others to judge , they should keep their opinions to themselves. It is easy to sit back and pick things apart.