CoyoteUK

joined: 2021-11-06
A howl a day keeps everyone at bay!
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Wyoming Chronicle: Personal Ads.

Recently widowed farmer (56) seeks female farmer for work, companionship and possible marriage.
Must have own tractor.
In the first instance please send a recent photo of tractor.
Thank you kindly, Jed. P.O. Box 124.


Untitled............

So here we have Chantelle, a teacher once told her that her looks would be her saving grace, and so it proved to be...she was extraordinally pretty, but also was as thick as two short planks.
Her saviour came in the form of a guy who just happened to own the biggest casino in London town.
A business man to the core, he could see the potential in her drawing in the punters, and groomed her into being the most glamorous and attractive croupier in the world.
His Royal Highness Sadiz was the casino's most prolific customer. It was not unknown for him to lose & win millions of pounds in a single evening!
Chantelle soon caught his attention.
One night, as she prepared to take a coffee break, a man in a space blue tuxedo came across to her and pressed a gold embossed business card into her hand.
"His Royal Highness requests that you join him for dinner tomorrow evening"
It was more a summons than a request..
"But I'm working tomorrow " she blurted out.
Then looking over his shoulder, she could see the face of her Pit boss, slowly nodding his assent.
And so it transpired, dinner at the Ivy and back to the Royal suite at the Dorchester.
She awoke the following morning ...alone.
HRH obviously had pressing business elsewhere.
A knock at the door and a voice "Room service"
She opened the door and ushered in the waiter/butler.
He pushed a trolley laden with the most sumptuous breakfast she had ever seen.
She reached for her purse,only to be admonished with "We don't accept tips Madam"
Laid amongst the fare was a solid gold iphone with a card on it that said,simply Chantelle.
The waiter bowed out of the room.
Chantelle picked up the phone...it was really heavy.
She picked at the food, the eggs benedict were delicious!
She decided on a quick shower and just as she finished towelling her hair the phone chimed.
She swept right and the voice of the tux, from last night, said "Chantelle?"
"His Highness had unexpected business, he flew to Dubai this morning."
She still had not spoken as he continued "I have a proposition for you, I need a definitive answer now"
"His Highness is offering you a Villa in Dubai for your sole usage,he is also willing to pay £20,000 PER WEEK into a named bank account of your choice"
"His private Jet will be at your beck and call, should you wish to return to the UK or have friends and family visit you .
*************************************************
"Hi Mum, it's Chantelle"
"Oh hello love...have you got a new phone then?"
"Yes, sort of Mum, look I'm going to Dubai"...............
"Oh that's nice dear, you deserve a holiday"
"Not exactly Mum...I'm going to live there, but you can visit me anytime you like, my new bloke is rather well off, I will let you know when I am settled in, Ok?"
****************************************************
Three month's later.
"Mum?"...It's me. I really need you to fly out here, I can't explain over the phone"
"Your flight is booked for tomorrow, Heathrow, Terminal 3 departing at 11am"
"Please Mum...."
Her Mum dutifully arrived, surveying the luxurious surroundings that encompassed her daughter.
"Mum, you can close your mouth now!"
"Sorry love, I just can't believe all this luxury!"
"'I'm coming home Mum"
"Why love? when you have all this?"
Chantelle started to explain, "The thing is Mum, he only wants sex by going up my khyber..."
"Oh don't worry love, a lot of men are like that"
"The thing is Mum, when I came out here my khyber was the size of a 5 pence piece...now it's the size of a 50 pence piece!"
"You silly girl!, are you really going to give all this up for the sake of 45p???"




Hands up!

Joe & Hank had had a fine evening. Friends since childhood, they been shooting some pool, having a few beers, and now were in search of a burger joint.
Suddenly, out of a dark alleyway, a hooded figure appeared brandishing a rather large gun!
"Ok fella's, no one gets hurt as long as you hand over your cash"
They both reached into their back pocket's and withdrew their wallets (Neither wanted to become another crime statistic)
Joe reached into his wallet and took out a $100 bill...handing it to Hank he said:
"Before i forget, here is the 100 Bucks that I owe you."


Just when you thought life couldn't get any worse....

Steve, having finished work,was rushing to catch the train home. He was dashing along one of the busiest streets in London when the pain hit. The pain was deep in his gut and brought him to a sudden halt. "OMG...he thought, that prawn sandwich that I had for lunch!" Sweat broke out over his entire body and he lurched into a small alleyway...and it happened...the worst thing ever...he shit himself! The stench was terrible,but the pain subsided,leaving him with his light coloured chino's and even his white shirt covered in filth.He went onto the street,people were looking and holding their noses as they passed him.
He came to a clothing store and, his face crimson with embarrasment, tapped on the window.He finally attracted the attention of a shop assistant inside.She looked bemused as he beckoned her to open the door of the shop.
"Look I can't come in but could you get me a pair of joggers waist 36" and a T-shirt 48" chest?"
He offered her his chip and pin card..."Please hurry"
Finally, after what seemed an age, she returned, handed him a carrier bag and his card and said "Have a nice day!"
He ran for his train...his humiliation was unbearable...people staring and openly laughing at his predicament!
His train was at the platform and he ran in, finally finding the loo ...Phew!
He quickly stripped off the offending clothing,rolled it into a foul bundle,and started to clean himself up.
The train set off,soon gathering speed, and cleared the station.
He opened the window as best he could and threw the stinking bundle out onto the track.
"Finally" he thought.Standing naked, apart from socks and shoes.....
He opened the carrier bag to find a Ladies pink cardigan and a glittering G string inside....
"OH SHIT"


Not the sharpest saw in the box..?

So, Jed had finally inherited the farm, where had worked since he was a child. His Dad had passed away and left Jed to carry on supplying cordwood to all his neighbouring folks. One cold January morning (-12 degrees) Burt came along for his usual order, one trailer load of logs for his burner. Burt was concerned to see Jed sweating ,despite the cold, sawing away with his hand saw on a tree nestling on the trestles.
"You come for your order Burt? " said Jed
"Sure Jed but firstly can I have a word?"
"As many words as you like , they don't cost nuthing, cept time" says Jed.
Burt cast a withering glance at the old handsaw that Jed had laid aside.
"Jed, you are working too hard here, have you never considered using a chain saw?"
"Don't know nuthing bout them new fangled things...." said Jed.
Burt replied "Look I can get you one for $500 ...brand new & guaranteed to save you working yourself to death.
"That's an awful amount of money & logs.." says Jed.
"Tell you what, said Burt, "If you dont get your money back in logs in two months, I will refund your money"
Jed thought about this long and hard, he trusted Burt, so finally a lot of soiled greenbacks changed hands.
Burt departed with ," It will be delivered tomorrow,direct ..read the instructions, I will look in on you at the weekend"
"Ok Burt..n thank you kindly"
The weekend arrived and Burt dropped in to see Jed sawing furiously with his old bandsaw.
Perplexed he went over, "Jed, what happened with the new chain saw?"
" I just couldn't get on with it, it was heavy and I just wasted $500" came the reply.
"Did you read the instructions?...I can't understand this" said Burt
Jed just blushed furiously.
"Fetch me the saw Jed, I will check it out,it may be faulty" says Burt.
The saw was duly fetched,looking good as new,with just some chunks of wood on the shiny new blade.
Burt checked it over, flicked the ON switch and pulled the starter cord,the engine powered into life with a deep growl.
"OMG!" said Jed putting his hands over his ears "What is that NOISE!!!"