jeffv62

joined: 2017-06-30
WHEN TWO HEARTS ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, NO DISTANCE IS TOO FAR, NO TIME IS TOO LONG, AND NO OTHER LOVE CAN BREAK THEM APART.
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Just Fred

A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a 'nut case' on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


Another Golf Story

A fiftyish woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed.
They can’t figure her out. She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The woman blushes and grins.
“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”
“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his w!llie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says,
“What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”


Letter from Home

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, MomP.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.


The 5 Little Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into his pickup truck and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the pickup again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the pickup truck and one of them is honking the horn."31


Idle Thoughts

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. we call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.