Joined: 2014-10-25
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Happy Holidays

     I hope, even with all this virus stuff shutting things down again, you will all have a very nice holiday season.   I was really hoping they would have had better control of this by now, but progress takes time.   I just wish people would have listened to the advisory to stay home over Thanksgiving.   And yes I will admit I did not stay home all by myself.   I went to dinner at my nephews house.  I did not stay long and watched how close I got to people.   Although it was not as much fun as it had been last year, at least I was able to spend a little time somewhere other then my home alone which is starting to feel like a prison cell.   Lucky for me no one there had been exposed to the virus yet, and I made it home unexposed.
     The hard part is going to be Christmas alone.   We have canceled our yearly gathering of the clan.  I know we are doing the right thing for the right reason, but those Christmas hugs I would get from all my family would help carry me through to the next gathering.   My stored up hugs are running really low, and this year I do not have a way to replenish them.   If there is any up side to this, I have lost 20 lbs.  Still not sure how, because I am not getting much exercise.   Only thing I can think is I have not been eating much lately , because I was really depressed.
     It is not all bad I went to my one doctor today and the tests came back great.   I do not have to go see them anymore as long as I do not have any symptoms f a problem, so I will be grateful for that.   HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A REALLY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, or if you do not celebrate Christmas then a joyous what ever holiday you do celebrate to you.   
     Just maybe by this time next year the good lord will have seen fit to help the doctors fix this virus problem.   Maybe I am wishing for too much this Christmas, but I would really love it if God just waved his hand and made this virus disappear from the Earth

Sad News


   I was just told today a very good friend of mine, that I had not seen for about a year, died Saturday.  This girl was like a sister to me. I did not even hold it against her the one time she stole some money from me, because she was always there when I needed her. I figured our friendship was worth more than the money she stole.  We may have done a bit of fighting from time to time, but when I needed someone to have my back, she always did.  I remember one time I had sprained my back and we were set to work the local food bank. I could hardly walk, but I did not want to let the others down.  My friend Dawn told her mother (the president of the resident’s organization) that she was taking me to the hospital.  I hated to leave the others shorthanded with us both gone, but I was really glad she took me to the hospital.   We made it up to them the next month when another member needed to go to the doctor and Dawn's mom wanted to go with the other member to the doctor, so we told them go ahead and go you covered for us last month we will cover for you now.   Dawn always had my back if anyone was picking on me.  That is a real friend, and I will miss her a lot. We lost her mom just last year.  
     It is hard when people we love pass on way too soon. Dawn was a lot younger than I.  I really think it sucks when people die too young.   I am not sure exactly how old she was but it was either her late 30's or early 40's.  She was always great with the neighborhood kids.   We had a little girl in the neighborhood what had all kinds of health issues. The poor child really could not do anything for herself.  Her body and mind did not function well, but we all thought she understood what was being said to her even though she herself could not talk.  Sometimes she would yell some sounds.  When she did Dawn would tell her you scared me and she would laugh. She loved scaring Dawn, and Dawn played along to make her happy.   Dawn had a lot of empathy for others.  If someone was upset she would try to make them feel better.  It is very sad she died at such a young age, but I guess God knows better when someone is done here on Earth then I do.  I just hope she made it to heaven, and gets to play with the people that died as children there.  I think she would do well around children's spirits.

Things looking up.

Got my eyes checked yesterday, and i got 20/20 in one eye and 20/30 in the other eye.  Not bad for someone in their 60's.   The eye doctor said my eyes are better then his and e is 12 years younger, so it is not all bad with my healthn0.gif?v=122 .   Maybe that is a sign that the other issues will clear, and the other issue will clear so i can use my good sight for years to follow. n0.gif?v=122  After all the bad news I will take any good news that I can get it.

What a waste of time


     I went for the tee today and the thrombosis is still there.   That is not even the worst part of my day.  Even though I made it clear to the doctor when I saw him at his office, I did not want a pacemaker, apparently he had planned to do it anyhow if the thrombosis was still there.    I told him in his office I did not want that, and I told everyone who would listen at the hospital I did not want that.  By the time the doctor came in to talk to me they had told him I was refusing a pacemaker, and he was annoyed I had changed his plans.   Call me paranoid, but I have never one time seen the image they get from the tees nor has anyone explained to me if it is changing or not.   How am I to know he is not just pushing for the pacemaker so I will have to go see him more and he will make more money?     
    When I said to him do you not remember me telling you in your office I did not want a pacemaker. He said he did not remember my last visit to his office just a couple weeks ago, but amazingly when I questioned more why he was wanting to do this, he said he had explained this to me at the office.  Now how in the world did he remember that and he did not remember what I said when I was there?
     When they discharged me they did not give me any instructions about follow ups with any of my doctors.   All they did was up the warfarin and put me back on a smaller dose of a medicine that I had already had problems with.  
     I am so depressed right now .  I am getting to the point where I want to just give up .  I do not see me ever being happy again if I am forced to have a pacemaker I do not want and do not think I need.
OOOOOOOOOOO and get this they said today that the blood thinners do not de solve the clots.  That it is up to my body to reabsorb it.   If that is true why am I on the blood thinners anyhow?
     I really do not know what I am going to do, I just know I am really depressed now.

Monday is the day

     I just got the call last night everything is set for Monday.  They will be doing the third TEE test and if at last the clot has adsorbed they will finally do the ablation for my a fib.   I am really getting scared. The nurse said yesterday if the clot has not cleared the doctor is going to put in a pace maker.  I do not want that, and everything I have found about pace makers and afib say a pace maker is to make your heart beat faster if your rate is too slow.  That is not my problem. I also have atrial flutter and my heart beats too fast most times.  To put a pace make in they would have to destroy the connection between my natural biological pacemaker and then insert a mechanical one.  That would mean I would be dependent on the mechanical pacemaker to keep my heart beating, so basically if it malfunctions I am dead.   I would rather take my chances with the pacemaker that was built into my system when I was created then count on a mechanical device.   I really do not like things that my body did not come with put into it.
     The nurse at my doctors office is very frustrating.  In one sentence she says if the clot did not clear he is going to put in a pacemaker and in the next sentence she says he told her he would be really surprised if it did not reabsorb.  My emotions are every where. Every time I go and the clot is still there it makes it harder to be optimistic that it will ever clear, and I will ever have a normal life again.      
     I really hope this works this time.  I would really love to be in better shape by Christmas.

Little Update

     I was to the doctor yesterday.  He said he feels pretty confident that the blood thrombosis will reabsorb.  He told me a clot is a solid grey bass on the scan and what i have is a swirl.  I asked so what does that mea?  He said it is not solid, and he feels it will reabsorb.   they are going to check it again with a tee at the end of September. Wish me luck.n0.gif?v=122  At least now I have a little more optimism now.

Depresson sets in.

   Aug 4, 2020 I just got home from a 5 day stay in the hospital.   I had the tee test, and the blood clot is still theren1.gif?v=122 as a result they not only canceled the ablation, but also admitted me into the hospital for 5 days.   They changed the blood thinner, and apparently the one they are trying now requires very much monitoring.   I feel like a pin cession. I had to have blood drawn every 6 hours while I was in the hospital,  and will need it done weekly for the next 6 weeks.   At the end of the 6 weeks they will again do a tee to see if the clot is gone. If it is not the doctor would like to ablate another part of my heart and put in an artificial pace maker.  I do not want that.  The doctors all say my heart is strong and I am really do not want to make it weaker .  If they do this different ablation to put the pace maker in the top of my heart will still be shaking redound wildly around.  How can that be better?  
     Many have said they are praying for me, but I am starting to wonder if God is listening.   Each time it fails makes it harder to be hopeful the next time, and i feel like I am running out of options.   Either I do nothing and ware my heart out, or if I can not get an ablation done I may end up having yet another mechanical thing inside my body. I hate that though.   So here we go another 6 weeks of waiting and possible disappointment

Tomorrow is the day

     Tomorrow is supposed to be the day for the test to see if the clot cleared and if it did they will try the ablation.   It is so scary not knowing when I go in if I will wake up with the clot gone and the ablation done or if the clot will still be there.  It does not help my worries when I found something on line dated about 9 years ago that said ablation patients do not live a really long time after the ablationn1.gif?v=122 . I hope that has changed.  The whole point of this is to make my heart work more efficiently so I may have a long healthier life.  It would be a cruel joke on me if I have it and it actually shortens my life span. 
     I guess I am really not doing myself any favors looking at all these things that could go wrong, but I am one that likes to be prepared for the worst.  Then if the best happens I was ready to deal with the bad, so I can enjoy the better. I went for blood work yesterday and it was an hour long wait for  them to take one tube of blood.  I have problems with anxiety, and I was freaking out when I could not find my niece. They would not let her go in with me.   This was only the second time she had ever taken me for anything health related. Usually her mom does it. My niece is a good girl,and I do not think she would leave me, but when you have anxiety problems your mind does not always thing straight
     I am doing my best to not dissolve into a quivering mass of nerves and fear, but it is hard.  Times like this I wish my mom was still alive and healthy. She always knew how to calm me down when I would get like this.  I took one of my anxiety pills but it is not taking effect yet, hope it does soon.   We have dark clouds out here today and I think they will be around all week.  Dark clouds do not help my mood when I get in one of these thinking about bad things moods.
     The hospital has not called me yet with any instructions about tomorrow no time yet either and that is another thing I am worried about, What if they did not schedule it as planned.   I called down to the hospital the other day and I was told they do not usually call with the instructions till the day before, so they still have time.  I hate that last minute planning thing.

Three more days

     I have 3 more days before I find out if that clot cleared and if they can now do the ablation.  I am trying to stay calm, and optimistic, but optimism is harder to come buy when I know they had already tried this once and it did not work out.  Part of me wants to go into it like I did the last time with excitement about how much better I will do after the ablation, but another part of me keeps whispering in my head, " It did not work the first time what makes you think it will work now?" 
    I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason.  Could be they found the clot to stop the ablation, because if they had not it could have been knocked loose during the ablation and maybe killed me on the table.  A small voice inside of me keeps whispering maybe it is just the universe messing with you.
     Want to know what is crazy?  With all this about to happen the main thing my brain keeps obsessing about is a movie that is going to be on tv for the first time that night.   I really want to see it, but even if all goes perfect and the clot is gone and the ablation happens and I get sent home the same day. I will probably get out of there too late to watch it. Even if I am near a tv when it is time for it to come on, who's to say I will not fall asleep during the movie because of all the stress that at that point should be letting go.
    I got a busy couple days in front of me. Everything I have seen on line says I will not be able to do any lifting for a couple weeks, so before I go in I need to make sure all my laundry his done and that the house is clean.  I am really frightened to be alone at home the first night after they do it IF they can do it.  I hope they keep me in the hospital for the first night at least. That way if anything goes wrong they will be there to fix it.  I really hate blood thinners, but with afib they are needed.  I guess it is all in the lords hands now. I just hope he sees fit to make me well.

I do not know which is worse

   I do not know which is worse the clot in my heart, or the anxiety of waiting to see if it dissolved, and if they will be able to do the ablation now.  I was told by a good church lady I know that it was a good thing they found it and did not go ahead with it at the originally scheduled time, but it does not feel lucky to me.  I have been afraid to do anything this past month.  I am frightened I may knock the clot loose.   I know just sitting or laying around is not a healthy thing to do either, but it is hard to think about being more active when your anxiety is telling you maybe it will jar loose if you moved too much. n1.gif?v=122   It is really hard to be hopeful about this next test I want to believe it will all come out fine.  They say good things come to those who wait I have been waiting over a month sense they found the clot and many  more months before it was found.   I just can't help but think what if :  What if it did not dissolve I really did not want a pace maker.  What if it did dissolve and the ablation does not work?   What if something goes wrong in the procedure, and I get more complications then I had before we started?  Or what if I die on the table?  Although I guess if I die on the table any future what ifs will be someone else's problem. lol I really should not laugh, but I think it is better then crying all the time, because I am really frightened.
     When they first came up with this ablation idea I had all kinds of hope and positive thoughts, but after it being canceled once by a blood clot much of my positive thoughts have drained out of me.   I am 62 years old and some would say I had a good life, but there are still things I wanted to do before I no longer can do anything.  I should have taken this time between the 2 tests to work on some of them, but every time I tried the negative thoughts came back.  I have been more depressed this month then I have in years.  Even if everything goes great, the clot is gone and the procedure goes well, I will still have another 3 months waiting time till we know if it worked.
     This is insane I spent my whole life trying to do the right things to stay healthy, and now I may be cut down by a blood clot.   I find it a bit eyeopening that something meant to save ones life the ability for the blood to clot and stop you from bleeding to death, should also be able to cause many problems if it forms inside your body.   If the human body was a man made product I think it would be recalled for a design flaw like that. lol   Sorry if I bored anyone with my worries, but with this pandemic thing I really do not get out to talk to people much these days.

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