Joined: 2014-10-25
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It is decided

   Well I saw the electrologist and after talking to him. I have decided to have the ablation.  He answered all my questions, and I looked him up on line he has all good reviews and no bad ones.n0.gif?v=122 One thing that does make me a bit nervous though is he wants me to let them put this thing in my chest to monitor if I go into afib after the procedure,  He said that way he could take me off the blood thinners. I really do not like the idea of anything with a battery being put inside my body, but my brother went with me to the appointment, and he thinks it is a good ideal to have the monitor put in. Apparently the battery in that will last for 4 years, but they really only need to keep an eye on it for a few months to see if the procedure worked. 
   I really hope it will work.  Now it is a waiting game to see when they can get me on the schedule, and I will have to get a ct scan before the procedure.  I was in normal rhythm when i went to the doctor.  I told him I knew that I can tell by the feel of it when I go into afib, and I knew I was not in it at that time.   I am just hoping I can keep it that way till they can get me scheduled.
I just know I can not go on like this. They need to do something. I am scared , but if it works it will be worth all the anxiety and pain it takes to get there. Thank you all for your input and prayers I appreciate it.

About made up my mind.

I have an appointment Tuesday to talk to the doctor that will do the procedure if I have it done. I was back to the er last night. Four hrs later they sent me home with my heart still not beating right.  I can not live like this. I think it is time i try to get this fixed .  If all goes well and I can get it worked on soon I will know in about 3 months if it worked, but that three months is going to be hard.

I could use a little input

     I have been in the hospital for afib (atrium fibrillation) 5 times in the past month, and my doctor thinks I should have a cardiac ablation.    The whole thing scares me. but if it will fix the problem so I do not need to go to the hospital so much it may be worth it.   What I would like to know is: Has anyone out there ever had this done for the same problem?  If so could you please let me know how it worked out for you?   I have been looking it up on the net for some time, but there is nothing like first hand knowledge of something from someone who has been through it before.


     Is it not ironic how people make decisions fast that sometimes shape how the rest of their lives will run.  Life is short and we each only get one, so should we not all take the time to think everything we do through before we act on anything.   That is one of the things that sucks the most about being human.   Our emotions frequently cause us to act in ways our brain would know was not a good idea if only we gave it time to think it through before acting.   As a result of these impulse decisions we set things into play that will change our futures in ways we had not ever considered.  
     Example:   A kid gets into a fight in high school and bloodies another kids nose.   The blood runs onto the second kids shirt that was just got for him by a grandmother.   Shortly after the fight the grandmother passes away.   The second kid wishes he still had the shirt his grandmother got him as his last present from her.   The anger lays dormant inside him for about a decade.   He goes on to be very successful in life and own his own company.   Then one day the very person who had bloodied his nose and ruined the last present his grandmother ever got him shows up at his business.   Life had not been so kind to him.   He does not have a job and is about to lose his house.   When he applies for a job the first kid does not recognize the  second kid now all grown up as the same person he had fought with all those years ago, but the second man does.   As a result of the anger still laying inside him over the bloody nose and the loss of the shirt, the second man rejects the first man's application.   Without the job the first man loses his home, and it was all because of a decision to get in a fight made years before that caused anger to lay inside the victim.   Had the first kid not picked the fight he would have most likely have gotten the job and saved his home.   The moral is do not let your emotions rule your decisions.   It will never turn out well for you.  
     I myself had learned that lesson the hard way when I let my emotions control me 2 years ago and I am still regretting it.


     Somehow it feels appropriate I put this here.   This year my Christmas spirit is in short supply.   That brings me back to a Christmas about 3 years ago.   I was really depressed that year and a friend went out of her way to try to make a happy Christmas day for me.  She sent me a big box with many things in it including a little green Christmas tree.   It is fully decorated and has a MERRY CHRISTMAS sign on it.   Her kindness and thoughtfulness was the best gift I got that year.   Because I do not have much Christmas spirit this year I decided to put out that little tree.   It looks so cute setting there on the stand with my little angle perched on top of it.   How sad is it that the person that gave me that wonderful Christmas is no longer a part of my life.   It is not because I wanted it that way.   I miss her every day.   Ohhhhhh she is not dead.   Because of something I said to her she has blocked me and refuses to unblock me.  A couple mutual friends have asked he to she says no.   How does one make amends or even say sorry if the person you wish to talk to does not also want it?   I am not going to pretend I was innocent I felt picked on when another friend of ours tried to sort the differences out.   I felt like they were ganging up on me.   It probably was not the case as the mutual friend is one of the people I trust most on the net, but I have a little ptsd and if I feel cornered I come out fighting and I will use what ever I got.   I am not proud of it, but in the words of my nephew it is what it is.   All I wanted was for them to back off at the time.   Well I got that, but I got something I never wanted I got put on the ignore list of someone what has always been very special to me.
     That little tree she sent me out of the goodness of her heart stands in my living room today as my hope some day she will find it in her heart to rethink things.   I do not know maybe I am crazy, but I do not throw away a friend just because they say or do something stupid to me.   I will step back calm down and then try to figure out what was going on with them when they did it, but not everyone is like that.


     There comes a time in everyone's life when you have got to accept no matter how you try or what you do you will not get something you want very much.  Took me nearly a year to accept it, but today is the day I accept me wanting something with all my heart will not make it happen.   When someone else has desires that conflict with yours sometimes theirs are stronger, and yours do not happen.  When this happens you can do one of two things.   You can drown in a pool of pain and regrets, or you can pull yourself together and have a better life in the future.  
     I have a mile stone birthday coming up very soon, and I know that despite the fact I started this year out with high hopes for a better year, it is not going to happen.   Thing is I am not going to let this put me in a hole of depression to which I can not climb out.   I do not like the way my life is going so I plan to change it.   I doubt everyone will be happy with my changes but oh well it is my life.   As I approach this mile stone birthday I have to ask myself if not now when?   The time in the hourglass that holds my life's sands is already heavier on the bottom then on the top.   I need to do what ever I am going to do before all the sands run out.

Three little words


  I am setting here crying my eyes out instead of getting ready for the inspection coming up Monday, because of 3 little words hand written on a scrap of envelope.   I found it inside a larger envelope I was moving from the table near my desk to my bedroom.   The note is about 2 years old, and I had forgotten I even had it, and I am not 100% sure it is from who I think it is you see I know 9 people with that name and it could have either of 2 or them.   It made me think of someone who means very much to me, even though I am not sure she still care at all about me.   She was there at a time when I was really low and she lifted me up.   Then last year I was going threw a bunch of stuff in my personal life that left me in a really bad state of mind.   I had little control of my emotions at that time.   I had just found out my brother had cancer and I knew in my heart he was going to die, because it was in his lymph nodes.   I was so upset and angry It was not fair he had just has a heart attack the previous Nov. and cancer on top of that was not fair.  I was angry because my brother's family has had more then their share of headship.   
   Unfortunately for me my inability to control my anger at that time spilled out on those closest to me, and I hurt someone I care very much about.   She decided she did not want anything  more to do with me and deleted me from her friends list, and hung up on me when I tried to call her hoping to talk things through.   Another friend tried to help, but in my messed up state of mind I am afraid I only made it worse.n1.114.gif instead of trying to get her to forgive me I said all the wrong things.   I know what I said that caused her to delete me.   I am calmer now and see things more clearly, but when someone has hung up on you on the phone and deleted and blocked you on social media, HOW DO I FIX THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE?   So as a result of me not being a good friend at a time when I was an emotional mess, I lost someone special to me .   That is why I am setting here crying my eyes out  at the 3 little words on the bottom of this little note:  Love ya Pamala signed at the bottom of this ragged little note.   I just wish that was still true she means so much to me.   I miss the times we spent net surfing all over the place looking at things for our crafts, and I miss seeing the beautiful pictures she made.   She is very talented.   I know it is all my fault I no longer have her as a friend, and that hurts the most.   I sometimes do not control my emotions well when I am under stress, and unfortunately sometimes my friends get hurt.   Most of them understand when this happens and will accept my apologies, but you can not apologize when a wall goes up between you and the one you love.   All you can do is lament the loss and try to go on without them.
   I would like to make a post note to this.   Some say when a friendship is broken it can not be fixed.   I do  not agree.   Full trust can not be regained if it is lost but friendships can be rebuilt IF BOTH wish it so.  Thing is BOTH must want it to happen.   I have a friend in Canada.   She hurt me several years ago and I did not talk to her for 6 months.  I actually thought we would never be friends again.   Although I deleted her I never iggied her and one day she showed up in a game room I was in and told me she wanted the friendship back and was willing to do what ever it took.   She was as good as her word she did what I asked and our friendship is as strong as it ever was, but it was made so because we BOTH wanted it.
      I am afraid I will need to find a way to live with what I have done that cost me this friend, but that does not stop it from hurting.   It does not matter if you cut your own leg off or if someone else cuts it off for you the pain will be equal.  The same is true of emotional pain , it does not matter if it was self inflicted or done by someone else it still hurts.


     It is like the song says you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.   I have been holding my pain and emotions inside sense March and now in mid Aug. I think the time has come for me to fold my hand.   I had a fight with someone I thought was a wonderful friend in March.   I wrote her an apology, that was never acknowledged, I made a call to her house and was hung up on, I took down 2 blogs she objected to, and what did I get for all my efforts to keep the person I thought was my friend?   She put me on ignore.   I waited for months for her heart to soften and her to forgive me, but it is not happening she still has me on ignore and everyone knows there is no talking things through if the other person can not hear you.   I thought about sending her a thank you card for all the nice things she did for me before she started hating me, but i figured she would just threw it away unread.  
     I guess there is nothing left for me to do but give up the dream that we could fix the friendship, and move on without her.   It hurts a lot to even think of leaving her behind.   We were m,ore connected then anyone else I ever met, on a psychic level at least.   I learned a very long time ago no matter how much you love someone or miss them a broken friendship can not be mended by just one person.   Both people must want it for the friendship to heal, and clearly she does not as she has tossed me away like garbage.   I have cried for months every time I looked at one of the presents she sent me in the short time I knew her.   The loss hurts so much.   Another friend said I should box them up out of sight, but I just could not do it.   I kept hoping she would come back to me.  
    Lately my mood has shifted some.   I have began thinking maybe i read her all wrong, maybe she did not really care for me as much as I thought she did.  I have even began to wonder if I still want her back.   Would a real friend have left a friend in so much emotional pain for this long? or would they have forgiven their friend for being human.   Humans make mistakes !   We are none of us without flaws.   I think maybe for my own health maybe I should just fold my hand and give up on ever fixing this friendship.


   Have you ever noticed how peoples emotions color their thought processes.   Lets take a couple of my neighbors for example.  They used to be very close.   They were more like family then friends.   In a matter of weeks the friendship did not just fall apart it exploded.   I am not sure exactly what caused it, but I do know the start of the fight came after one of them posted something on Facebook.   I am not sure what was posted but the second person took it personally (as people sometimes do when someone says something too true for them to deal with).   I also know no names were mentioned in the post, but the second one took it to be aimed at her.   Well one thing lead to another and now the 2 women do not even talk, but that is not the worst of it.   One of them is always saying mean things about the other one and trying to get her in trouble over the stupidest things.   She makes her sound like the worst mother on the face of the planet, but I just saw something out my window that makes me wonder.   I was the woman that made the first posting spraying her baby girl with a garden hose and the little girl was giggling so cutely.   Makes you wonder doesn't it,  if she is such a bad mother why would she take her time to bring so much joy to her children?   I think the second woman's anger has colored how she sees things. 
     I have said for years Facebook is not a good thing when people take what they read there too seriously.   Sometimes when people write something down it is just venting off anger ad nothing more.   If people would learn to see it for just that and not take it personally there would be less fights over things posted there.   I think also people should not read things into stuff that was not there in the first place.  Like I said the first post did not say anyone's name in it, but the second woman assumed it was about her and posted stuff about the other woman on her Facebook.   My mom always said if the shoe fits ware it and if it pinches holler, so I am thinking that shoe must have pinched a lot.
     My advice to everyone is do not allow your emotions to color your vision.   Funny thing about the mind it will often see or hear one thing then try to translate it for the person seeing or hearing it.   Funny thing is it does not always relay the words that were first used.   Sometimes it relays what the hearer THOUGHT the other person meant. That is the first color seeping in to the mind the foggy grey that makes things not so clear.   Once they have changed the words that were heard usually comes either the yellow of confusion or the bright red of anger.   That will occasionally be followed by the blue of depression and the muddy brown of despair.   I just wish people would learn to see things as they are not as they think they are.


     Here is a question for you is it reasonable or unreasonable to undo something you did for the sole reason of getting a favorable result, but instead the result was more unfavorable?    If one enters into and agreement where by both parties are supposed to give a little to make a compromise all can live with, and one party keeps up their end of the deal, but the other does not, is it reasonable or unreasonable for the party that gave to take back what they put forth?      Or should they just leave it as it is and walk away from the whole idea with the knowledge of dta?     The only thing I am certain of is a compromise may only be achieved if both parties are willing to give a little so no one walks away with everything.   Having given 3 things and gotten nothing in return I think perhaps I should cut my losses and write it off as a bad deal.   I do not think it would be good business to add a new paint job, and carpeting to a building that is detain to fall down because of a crumbling foundation.

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