The hard part is going to be Christmas alone. We have canceled our yearly gathering of the clan. I know we are doing the right thing for the right reason, but those Christmas hugs I would get from all my family would help carry me through to the next gathering. My stored up hugs are running really low, and this year I do not have a way to replenish them. If there is any up side to this, I have lost 20 lbs. Still not sure how, because I am not getting much exercise. Only thing I can think is I have not been eating much lately , because I was really depressed.
It is not all bad I went to my one doctor today and the tests came back great. I do not have to go see them anymore as long as I do not have any symptoms f a problem, so I will be grateful for that. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A REALLY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, or if you do not celebrate Christmas then a joyous what ever holiday you do celebrate to you.
Just maybe by this time next year the good lord will have seen fit to help the doctors fix this virus problem. Maybe I am wishing for too much this Christmas, but I would really love it if God just waved his hand and made this virus disappear from the Earth
I was just told today a very good friend of mine, that I had not seen for about
a year, died Saturday. This girl was like a sister to me. I did not even
hold it against her the one time she stole some money from me, because she was
always there when I needed her. I figured our friendship was worth more than
the money she stole. We may have done a bit of fighting from time to
time, but when I needed someone to have my back, she always did. I
remember one time I had sprained my back and we were set to work the local food
bank. I could hardly walk, but I did not want to let the others down. My
friend Dawn told her mother (the president of the resident’s organization) that
she was taking me to the hospital. I hated to leave the others shorthanded
with us both gone, but I was really glad she took me to the hospital. We made it up
to them the next month when another member needed to go to the doctor and
Dawn's mom wanted to go with the other member to the doctor, so we told them go
ahead and go you covered for us last month we will cover for you now.
Dawn always had my back if anyone was picking on me. That is a real
friend, and I will miss her a lot. We lost her mom just last year.
It is hard when people we love pass on way too soon. Dawn was a lot younger than I. I really think it sucks when people die too young. I am not sure exactly how old she was but it was either her late 30's or early 40's. She was always great with the neighborhood kids. We had a little girl in the neighborhood what had all kinds of health issues. The poor child really could not do anything for herself. Her body and mind did not function well, but we all thought she understood what was being said to her even though she herself could not talk. Sometimes she would yell some sounds. When she did Dawn would tell her you scared me and she would laugh. She loved scaring Dawn, and Dawn played along to make her happy. Dawn had a lot of empathy for others. If someone was upset she would try to make them feel better. It is very sad she died at such a young age, but I guess God knows better when someone is done here on Earth then I do. I just hope she made it to heaven, and gets to play with the people that died as children there. I think she would do well around children's spirits.
GOODBYE DAWN YOU WILL BE MISSED AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND.
When I said to him do you not remember me telling you in your office I did not want a pacemaker. He said he did not remember my last visit to his office just a couple weeks ago, but amazingly when I questioned more why he was wanting to do this, he said he had explained this to me at the office. Now how in the world did he remember that and he did not remember what I said when I was there?
When they discharged me they did not give me any instructions about follow ups with any of my doctors. All they did was up the warfarin and put me back on a smaller dose of a medicine that I had already had problems with.
I am so depressed right now . I am getting to the point where I want to just give up . I do not see me ever being happy again if I am forced to have a pacemaker I do not want and do not think I need.
OOOOOOOOOOO and get this they said today that the blood thinners do not de solve the clots. That it is up to my body to reabsorb it. If that is true why am I on the blood thinners anyhow?
I really do not know what I am going to do, I just know I am really depressed now.
The nurse at my doctors office is very frustrating. In one sentence she says if the clot did not clear he is going to put in a pacemaker and in the next sentence she says he told her he would be really surprised if it did not reabsorb. My emotions are every where. Every time I go and the clot is still there it makes it harder to be optimistic that it will ever clear, and I will ever have a normal life again.
I really hope this works this time. I would really love to be in better shape by Christmas.
Many have said they are praying for me, but I am starting to wonder if God is listening. Each time it fails makes it harder to be hopeful the next time, and i feel like I am running out of options. Either I do nothing and ware my heart out, or if I can not get an ablation done I may end up having yet another mechanical thing inside my body. I hate that though. So here we go another 6 weeks of waiting and possible disappointment
I guess I am really not doing myself any favors looking at all these things that could go wrong, but I am one that likes to be prepared for the worst. Then if the best happens I was ready to deal with the bad, so I can enjoy the better. I went for blood work yesterday and it was an hour long wait for them to take one tube of blood. I have problems with anxiety, and I was freaking out when I could not find my niece. They would not let her go in with me. This was only the second time she had ever taken me for anything health related. Usually her mom does it. My niece is a good girl,and I do not think she would leave me, but when you have anxiety problems your mind does not always thing straight
I am doing my best to not dissolve into a quivering mass of nerves and fear, but it is hard. Times like this I wish my mom was still alive and healthy. She always knew how to calm me down when I would get like this. I took one of my anxiety pills but it is not taking effect yet, hope it does soon. We have dark clouds out here today and I think they will be around all week. Dark clouds do not help my mood when I get in one of these thinking about bad things moods.
The hospital has not called me yet with any instructions about tomorrow no time yet either and that is another thing I am worried about, What if they did not schedule it as planned. I called down to the hospital the other day and I was told they do not usually call with the instructions till the day before, so they still have time. I hate that last minute planning thing.
I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason. Could be they found the clot to stop the ablation, because if they had not it could have been knocked loose during the ablation and maybe killed me on the table. A small voice inside of me keeps whispering maybe it is just the universe messing with you.
Want to know what is crazy? With all this about to happen the main thing my brain keeps obsessing about is a movie that is going to be on tv for the first time that night. I really want to see it, but even if all goes perfect and the clot is gone and the ablation happens and I get sent home the same day. I will probably get out of there too late to watch it. Even if I am near a tv when it is time for it to come on, who's to say I will not fall asleep during the movie because of all the stress that at that point should be letting go.
I got a busy couple days in front of me. Everything I have seen on line says I will not be able to do any lifting for a couple weeks, so before I go in I need to make sure all my laundry his done and that the house is clean. I am really frightened to be alone at home the first night after they do it IF they can do it. I hope they keep me in the hospital for the first night at least. That way if anything goes wrong they will be there to fix it. I really hate blood thinners, but with afib they are needed. I guess it is all in the lords hands now. I just hope he sees fit to make me well.
When they first came up with this ablation idea I had all kinds of hope and positive thoughts, but after it being canceled once by a blood clot much of my positive thoughts have drained out of me. I am 62 years old and some would say I had a good life, but there are still things I wanted to do before I no longer can do anything. I should have taken this time between the 2 tests to work on some of them, but every time I tried the negative thoughts came back. I have been more depressed this month then I have in years. Even if everything goes great, the clot is gone and the procedure goes well, I will still have another 3 months waiting time till we know if it worked.
This is insane I spent my whole life trying to do the right things to stay healthy, and now I may be cut down by a blood clot. I find it a bit eyeopening that something meant to save ones life the ability for the blood to clot and stop you from bleeding to death, should also be able to cause many problems if it forms inside your body. If the human body was a man made product I think it would be recalled for a design flaw like that. lol Sorry if I bored anyone with my worries, but with this pandemic thing I really do not get out to talk to people much these days.